Duo is a conspiracy

marissa

Alright, alright folks.

It’s time to talk about IT’s latest and greatest idea: Duo. Oh, Duo the subject of every student, faculty, and staff’s gripe. It’s about this time that group projects turn into Duo rants, and the workplace becomes a united chorus expressing hatred for pushing a couple of buttons on their phone just to log in to email. 

Oh, the joys of whipping out a smart electric device to push a couple of buttons every 3 minutes for all the websites that require a sign-in. Duo has made quite the impression that the hashtags are gonna start rolling out: #donewithduo #whattheheckIT?

Not to mention the poor soul or souls who were scammed or left their email open, depending on which rumor you’ve heard. Not only do they have to live with Duo, but the whole university has been condemned to download an app or buy a key fob. I’m sure every poor college student who doesn’t have a smart device is just thrilled to buy a $25 key fob just to do their homework.

Luckily for professors, any exasperated sigh or comment is no longer directed to them initially. IT now gets it since students have to confirm their login just to do homework during dead week.

Where was ksl.com to run to my aid when I was scammed because of a faulty job opening posted on their website? Where was Duo then, when I needed it the most? How exactly Duo protects all of us at USU is the real mystery.

So here is conspiracy theory #1: Duo really stands for Dangerous Underground Operations. It was an app created by someone who knew our predicament with Russian hackers and is meant to protect us from them and their hacking ways.

Conspiracy theory #2: IT just got bored with installing computer software and providing classroom support, so they decided to have a little fun and see what kind of reaction they could get from all of us.

Conspiracy theory #3, aka the Buster Baxter Theorem: Aliens are repelled from the Duo tone so this is all a ploy to keep aliens away and planet Earth safe. But really if you think about it, the Duo tone sounds like a text alert, so all it does is give false hope that someone loves you in the form of a text message. Ain’t nobody like false notifications. In a world of fake news, we don’t need false notifications too.

Conspiracy theory #4: Because the Duo app was left off of the 10 most helpful apps article published by the Statesman at the beginning of the school year, it decided to take a subtle form of revenge by making us all download it. Because we all know inanimate things have minds of their own.

So there you have it. In a little over 500 words the entire distress of Utah State University is explained complete with legitimate and realistic theories as to why said distress was created in the first place. “May the Duo never fail you.”

 Marissa Neeley is junior studying history education. She loves life and trying out new things.

marissa.neeley@aggiemail.usu.edu


There are 4 comments

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  1. Pierre LaFoot

    While I applaud your effort in a light-hearted article during dead week…

    1) your title has a typo (is a is a)
    2) Google unveiled two-step authentication in 2011, to much acclaim
    3) Evernote and Apple got on board with this technology in 2013 (we can keep going with dropbox, {optional} facebook, etc)
    4) Smartphone ownership among college students is currently at 86% (PEW, 2017)
    5) 18-24-year-olds check her or his smartphone 74 times per 8-hour period (that is an “organic” check ever 6.5 minutes) (Deloitte 2016)
    5) you can change the push notification sound of Arthur sighing in exasperation if that helps

  2. UNKNOWN

    Literally almost everything you said is incorrect or just not true…it’s amazing how little research you did.

  3. Melody

    ^^^I think it’s important to remember that this is a letter to the editor, not an investigative article. Let’s not get rude over something meant to be light-hearted and fun.

  4. joy

    She said it’s a CONSPIRACY THEORY. I applaud your in-text citation, Pierre, but the piece was just meant to a fun, akin to an Onion article.


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