The NBA is bananas (five trades we hope happen)

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You know how in all of those over-the-top action movies there’s always that one moment where you’re like, “there’s no way they can add anything more to make this crazier,” immediately followed by them adding something to make it crazier. Kinda like how those massive, armored, flying whales show up in the first Avengers. Or like everything in the Sharknado series. That’s basically what the NBA offseason is doing to us right now.

Reminder: it’s only been eight days since the Finals ended. Yet the NBA has still dominated the sporting news cycle with its plethora of pettiness and trade rumors. In just the past few days, we’ve heard mountains of gossip surrounding the possible trades of Paul George, Jimmy Butler, and Kristaps Porzingis, just to name several. For all the talk, however, most of these rumors will stay just that: rumors. NBA teams rarely pull the trigger on massive trades involving stars like these, show we shouldn’t expect many fireworks to actually be set off over the next few days. That won’t stop us from picturing them, though. Here’s several trades that we wish to high heaven would actually happen, courtesy of ESPN’s NBA Trade Machine and the future NBA draft picks detailed by basketball.realgm.com.

Jimmy Butler

Plus the third pick in the draft plus Boston’s rights to either Philadelphia’s 2018 first round pick or Sacramento’s 2019 first round pick.There’s a 75 percent chance that this deal is already completed and Woj is simply waiting to tweet it out.

Paul George

Paul George is going to be a one-year rental? So whoever trades for him needs to be willing to sell their future for one year of the PG experience, i.e. the Lakers. But if any team wants to challenge the Warriors in the West, a bold move needs to happen. Houston packaging Ryan Anderson, Sam Dekker, and Chinanu Onuaku along with a future first round pick in return for Paul George would certainly qualify. Does a starting five of Harden-Beverly-Ariza-George-Capela have enough to challenge Golden State. Indubitably, no. But doesn’t that sound entertaining as all get out?

Kristaps Porzingis

Probably the most surprising name to hear in NBA trade rumors, Porzingis lands into a promising core of Towns, Wiggins, and LaVine. While the Knicks may push to have LaVine included in the deal, here the Knicks walk away with a quality stop-gap point guard in Ricky Rubio, this year’s seventh overall pick, and several future draft considerations. The Timberwolves feature a lineup with two seven foot unicorns and pose matchup issues for every team across the NBA, and Thibs even gets his veteran leader in Courtney Lee.  Who says no? Every Knicks fan everywhere. That’s who.

DeAndre Jordan

I’m not sure if fellow columnist and Blazers fan Logan Jones would like this trade* or recoil in horror. I’m slightly torn myself. On one hand, the Blazers grab a center with the defensive capability to cover for Lillard’s and McCollum’s shortcomings on that side of the court. On the other hand, the Blazers grab a center who hasn’t been able to grow an offensive game much more than catching lobs and bricking free throws. But, hey, at least they get rid of one of their albatross contracts in Allen Crabbe. The Clippers get someone who can actually play at the 3-spot in their lineup that isn’t Paul Pierce plus several first rounders from Portland’s stash.

*Editor’s note: I would do this trade in a heartbeat. Do it do it do it do it.

Banana Boat!

ASSEMBLE THE BANANA BOAT CREW. I don’t care if there’s not a super feasible way to make this work between all four team in terms of equal value. Make. This. Happen.