The case against candy corn — Daniel Hansen (@TheGrandDanny)
Candy corn is an abominable lie. It is definitely not candy, and it is surely not corn. By any subjective standard, it is only trash. During the next month, multitudes upon multitudes of candy will be available for the taking. Wasting money on candy corn would be a travesty.
Did you know that candy corn was actually invented on purpose? Unlike potato chips or Coca-Cola or chocolate chip cookies, where the accidental inventor made a simple mistake and discovered something entirely delicious and amazing, someone woke up one day with the intent to go out and make the culinary equivalent of a cooled ball of hot glue. They decided that even though they would give the “candy” a strange design of orange, white, and yellow stripes (which look nothing like the kernel of corn some people insinuate it resembles), they would still only give it the bland flavor of a piece of gum that has been chewed for several hours.
Then, after having finished melting down plastic toys into a candy corn mold, they decided that, yes, the American public would love getting this stuck in their teeth for several days. Furthermore, they then determined the best marketing strategy for the supposed candy was calling it “Chicken Feed,” with the tagline “something worth crowing for.” Seriously. Chicken feed. Something worth crowing for. While I fully acknowledge that candy corn is an infinitely better name for a piece of plastic candy, it’s still terrible, and I want nothing to do with any candy that got its beginning as “chicken feed.”
If you find yourself at some Halloween party, and you find several bowls of candy, one of which is a bowl filled solely with candy corn, what do the other bowls have to be filled with for you to completely ignore the candy corn bowl? Literally anything. As long as any of the bowls contains anything remotely resembling candy, that bowl full of candy corn is going to stay there through December. And therein lies the damning evidence that candy corn is straight trash. Despite the stuff being immediately pulled from shelves come November 1, you’ll invariably find a bowl of it somewhere in the middle of March.
Leave it there.
The case for candy corn — Ellie Hampton (@EllieHampton2)
The fact that people can have such startlingly strong opinions about a candy whose flavor is so subtly noticed that it is often described as marshmallow or even literal sugar cane is beyond me.
The redeeming qualities of candy corn are four fold — texture, taste, price, and festivity. Candy corn is one of the most fun candies to snack on. Its creamy, fondant-like marshmallowy vanilla goodness makes it an addictive treat that for some reason you cannot stop eating. Which is okay, because you can buy a 5-lb. bag of them on Amazon for as little as $15, which is the equivalent to maybe three of those tiny assorted party mixes of candy at Walmart.
Possibly the most redeeming quality of candy corn is festivity. The fall and Halloween colors make it so darn cute for your community candy bowl — and have you seen the babies dressed as candy corns? C’mon, adorable.
Haters of candy corn, often in an act of protest towards the sweet roommate who puts candy out for everyone, may choose to leave the bowl untouched for months and months — emphasizing another one of candy corn’s endless amazing attributes which is its long shelf life. And before you can combat that with some overly exaggerated expression of disgust and claims of “too many artificial ingredients” let me just remind you that Hostess and McDonald’s both still serve billions of customers a day and I refuse to believe you are not one of those customers.
People like candy corn because it reminds them of their childhood trick-or-treating. We still eat it now during the holidays to transport us to our childhood, where the holidays were simpler and filled with fun instead of experiencing the holidays of 2k17 filled with stress and slutty HOWL costumes. However, assuming that people so averse to candy corn can actually enjoy a nice holiday celebration might be too broad of a claim. I can only imagine these people, with their extreme disdain for plain, sugary, cream-flavored candy must also have the same particulars for celebrating the holidays in general. These Scrooges should not be trusted with dictating our holiday traditions. It should be left to us, the level-headed happy people — those of us who stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.