Winners and Losers: Holiday pie edition

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Alright, you’ve had your fall fun, now time to get serious. In light of this week’s gathering of family and friends, today’s column will center entirely around the sweetest seasonal tradition of all — engagement season!

Ha! Nope. Screw engagement season, November is pie month and y’all know it. Look, columns about Black Friday and the marketing plot that is engagement season are old news. Here’s a quick look at the most common pies at your average holiday feast and whether or not they’re winners. Why? Because we’re producing a newspaper on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving break, that’s why.**

Loser: Peach pie

I’m sorry, did you see the word “cobbler” anywhere in this column’s lede? No, you didn’t, because it’s not freaking cobbler season. I don’t even know when cobbler season is. Ask the Keebler elves, those dudes might know. Also ask them why they even bother making single-stuffed ELFudge cookies — get that weak crap out of here. Anyway, I’m not much of a math guy, but this is one equation I understand: peach pie is bad because peaches are bad. It shouldn’t take three scoops of ice cream to drown out the sour tang of canned peach in order to stomach a slice of pie. Arguments on this point can be directed to @tomcat340’s inbox.

Winner: Coconut cream pie

A winner for being vastly underrated, coconut cream pie is the quintessential “I need a short break between pieces of pumpkin pie” pie. Of course coconut flavor and texture puts some people off, but one of the most significant attributes of a winning pie is being available at midnight for a quick snack before that morning breakfast of turkey ‘n dinner roll sandwiches. More heavy-hitting pies will be gone by Thursday Night Football’s opening kickoff, but that last slice of coconut cream will save in the fridge just fine — and if you’re one of the lucky ones who likes it, nothing could be more comforting.

Loser: Banana cream pie

Fun fact: banana cream pie was originally termed “baby food pie” but ditched the negative moniker for some better PR. But beware, nearly all banana cream (or “creme” for the truly pretentious) is just snack packs in a store-bought graham cracker crust. Even if you score a homemade banana cream pie, you’re not going to make it your prime dessert selection — ain’t nobody asks a host “Hey, uhm, I was just wondering if you could supersize my scoop of banana cream pie please.”

Loser: Cheesecake

But only for not qualifying as a pie, because if it did cheesecake would immediately be in the top five holiday pie discussion. Tons of pies are basically cheesecake recipes with a twist. Maybe next year, cheesecake.

Winner: Key Lime pie

Not everything can be decadent french silk and laden with Oreos — sometimes you need some citrus in your life. Particularly after a feast of various delicious starches, the crisp freshness of key lime pie signals a nice cooldown period for your overworked GI tract. It’s rarely the star of the show, but key lime pie deserves a place in every potluck and post-feast feeding frenzy.

Loser: Boston Cream pie

Yo, that’s a cake. Look at a picture of a pie, and look at a boston cream pie. That’s a cake. That’s more of a cake than any cake that’s ever caked.

Loser: American Pie

The whole film series is overrated as hell.

Winner: Pumpkin pie

At the end of the day, those first pangs of Thursday night’s dessert cravings are the result of a pumpkin pie deficiency. Pumpkin pie is too often labeled an overrated holiday item, when it would so obviously be missed if ever left off the menu. Pumpkin pie is the Michael Jordan of pies. No, you know what? Michael Jordan is the pumpkin pie of athletes. Some new hotshot will always rise up to challenge the crown, but you’ll notice it’s always the challenger stirring up all the noise. There are pies that do some things better some of the time, but pumpkin’s dominance is absolute.

**The above opinions are the result of late-night discussions in the Utah Statesman’s student media office and purely for fun. Like what you want to like, and have a safe holiday!

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