COLUMN: Living in a haze, or mulitple hazes
The cloud of yellow haze over the valley this week really got me thinking. Not thinking about the possible impact of the dirty air on my lungs, the impact of leaving my car running all day or even environmental issues like global warming. No. This got me thinking about how the overindulgence of anything causes a haze.
Even things as great as metal, steak, beer, “Guitar Hero,” which I’m morally obligated to mention in every column, “Arrested Development,” football or even sex – I plead the Fifth on that one – can put you in a completely debilitating haze.
These hazes impair your ability to make conscious, adult decisions and can make you do some rash, damaging and mildly illegal things. They also can turn you into a stumbling, irrational, feces-throwing shadow of your former self.
A beer-induced haze, which I guess could be called drunkenness, is maybe the most well-known of these decision-impairing hazes.
Everything seems like a better idea during a beer-induced haze. Climbing a tree in your underwear in the middle of January is suddenly a great idea. Peeing on a fire hydrant while barking like a dog is now a great idea. The thing about that is, in your beer-induced haze, you colored black spots all over yourself, and, because the haze has such a grip on your normally rational mind, you actually think you’re a Dalmatian. But that’s no excuse.
Another thing that sounds great during a beer-induced haze is getting a tattoo. But this isn’t just getting any tattoo. This is a tattoo of your favorite game show host’s face – I’d go with Bob Barker or maybe Pat Sajak – right next to the words, “Come on down,” or “I’d like to buy a vowel,” on your left butt cheek.
That’s really more of a fantasy than a great drunken idea.
The stunningly stupid part doesn’t come until you show that tattoo to a cop while you yell, “Big money! Big money! Come on big money!”
The moral of that story isn’t to stop drinking; that’s your prerogative. But the moral is: Friends, don’t let your friends get drunken, dumb-ass tattoos.
But beer isn’t the only thing that can cause a haze. The worst, most unrelenting and possibly the most dangerous haze I’ve ever been in was from a nearly lethal dose of metal.
I guess it started with DragonForce. Then it was Pantera. Then it was Anthrax, and Metallica, and Megadeth, and I kind of passed out after that. When I came to, my mind was still under siege, held hostage by crunching buzzsaw guitars, squealing artificial harmonics and blazing, dragon-slaying solos.
At this point I was incapable of controlling my thoughts, actions or speech. I tried to go to class, but found I couldn’t take notes because my hands were too busy playing a furious, uncontrollable brand of air guitar, the likes of which the world had never seen.
I found myself screaming out the lyrics to “Cemetery Gates,” “Master of Puppets” and “Madhouse.” It wasn’t coherent at all, but it probably sounded more human than when I started talking in guitar speak, which, from what people tell me, sounded a lot like me trying to recreate Zakk Wylde solos with my mouth – an impossible feat even in the right state of mind.
Everyone was wearing leather jackets. Everyone talked like Lemmy Kilmister. I think I may have started a mosh pit in a random classroom. Again, it’s all blurry.
At some point, I realized I was in need of some help. So I did the only thing I could think of – put on the Allman Brothers, especially “Ramblin’ Man” – and listen to it until I had established some semblance of control.
Not all hazes make you lose total control of all functioning. Some just make you fall asleep. Some can cause hallucinations. Others are mild enough to just make you groggy.
In any haze, the cure is to remove yourself from the haze-inducing element and immediately introduce an opposing stimuli. Basically, just stop doing what you were doing, and do something that’s opposite or different from the thing that put you into the haze.
An example: If you find yourself in a meat-induced haze, pull yourself away from the steak, ribs or bratwurst, and get yourself on a steady diet of granola. Granola is the opposite of meat, not manly at all. The granola should clear up your meaty haze.
Another example: If you find yourself in an “Arrested Development”-induced haze, you just need to watch a bad TV show to counteract the circuit-overloading awesomeness of the greatest show ever. So watch some trash like “The OC,” “House” or “American Idol.” These are just a few of the terrible shows Fox still offers instead of “Arrested Development,” but there are scores of terrible shows everywhere. “Armed and Famous” is one that comes to mind.
But you don’t always have to go to the other extreme to cure your haze; just a mild change can snap you out of a less powerful haze. Like if you find yourself in a football-induced haze, you don’t necessarily have to watch bowling or tennis, you could just watch basketball or UFC.
The important lesson to be learned here is moderation. Everything in moderation. But that makes for a pretty boring life, so bring on the metal, “Guitar Hero,” sex, steak, beer and awesome TV shows. I’m still young, right?
David Baker is a junior majoring in journalism. Comments, questions and homemade haze remedies can be sent to
him at dabake@cc.usu.edu.