The Preemptive Critics
“Stomp the Yard” One of my fondest motion picture experiences was a couple years ago when a friend introduced me to the cinematic marvel known as “You Got Served.” Ever since then, I have been waiting for a more grown up, adult version of that fantastic show. It seems now the heavens are smiling upon me because “Stomp the Yard” will be stomping its way into theaters shortly, and I, for one, can’t continue on with any more of this sarcasm. “Stomp the Yard” looks terrible, like “Catwoman” terrible. Come on. Seriously, when I’m thinking of a movie as a “You Got Served” rip-off, it’s got problems. At least “Served” can be fast forwarded to the hilarious (serious) dancing scenes. “Stomp the Yard” looks like a feeble attempt to take a crappy idea and, if possible, make it crappier. I preemptively hate this movie and all others that try to convince me dancing is worth spending $7 to watch. -By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu”Arthur and the Invisibles” In an age where computer animated family films have become almost as abundant as must-see YouTube videos, it’s nice to see that some directors are interested in doing something a little bit different. It’s too bad that this creativity had to come from the French. “Arthur and the Invisibles” is a film adaptation of Paris-born director Luc Besson’s children’s books, with Besson himself directing. I suppose the few that read his books should expect a pretty accurate interpretation. Not many authors get the opportunity to direct the cinematic adaptation of their page-based narrative. Besson’s film will combine traditional computer-generated animation with live-action film footage, and the result will either be fun and refreshing or disjointed and eerie. Besson’s decisions are also a bit questionable in the audio department. The director has enlisted the vocal aid of David Bowie, Madonna and Snoop Dog. Yep, inconsistency already appears to be the plague the film. Never mind the fact that this children’s movie is being brought to us by the guy who did “The Fifth Element.” Besson introduced audiences to Natalie Portman as a cigarette-smoking 12-year-old in “The Professional,” so don’t be surprised if this film’s young hero, Arthur, lights one up after thwarting the plans of the film’s mosquito-riding antagonists. I preemptively hate this movie. -By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu”Primeval” The creators of “Primeval” will tell you the new horror thriller is inspired by a true story. What they are not telling you is the true story that inspired it is not about a cunning, elusive and intelligent serial killer, but about a crocodile. If the tragic story of Steve Irwin has taught me anything, it is that crocodiles aren’t the ones you need to worry about. I will, however, give the folks at Touchstone Pictures a pat on the proverbial back for the way in which they have marketed this movie without even a mention of a number of its most important plot elements. But movies are more than marketing, and unfortunately for “Primeval,” serial killers are more than CGI crocodiles and bad acting. To the movie’s credit, the gross slurping sounds in the trailer are a little scary, but they are more along the lines of cafeteria meatloaf scary than serial killer scary. So in deciding whether or not to see this movie, you should remember two things: crocodiles have sixty teeth to eat you with-scary. Second, humans have 100,000 million brain cells that you risk losing every time you watch something “Primeval”-scarier. I preemptively hate this movie. -By Zach Pendleton/zpendlton@cc.usu.edu