COLUMN: Billion-dollar B.S.
Throughout all the land, Sir Warren Buffett sought for the bracket that would survive 67 heated matches to perfection.
Was there such a bracket to be found? Turmoil and upset during this battle, the Madness of March, left many dead and wounded along the wayside – brackets, that is – and alas, all hope was lost after merely 25 games. Sir Buffet will retain his once promised treasure, a treasure he wasn’t sweating about losing, considering the odds.
To quote Buffett, as he stated on the Dan Patrick Show, referring to forking out the cash, that “I wouldn’t have minded doing it. We’ve paid out big on insurance policies in the past – we paid out $3 billion on Katrina, so that’s just part of the insurance business. It would not have bothered me to pay out the billion.”
It’s a hard luck life for Warren Buffett.
According to DePaul University math professor Jeff Bergen, your odds of correctly predicting 67 games would be something like one in 128 billion.
You’d have a better chance of being struck by lightning three times in the same day, while holding two winning lottery tickets, after getting bit by a shark as your airplane crashes – or something like that.
Who knows: You do the math. Either way, the rich get richer and the poor get more depressed.
One fact you may not be aware of is that the top-20 finishers in the contest will each come out $100,000 richer than they started the contest. That’s enough to buy you and your wife courtside tickets to every Philadelphia 76ers home game for 6 seasons.
Think of all the opportunities.
Fun fact: If you enter the term “100K” into Google Translator and adjust the language translation from English to Warren-Buffettin, it actually reads “chump change.” Who would’ve thought.
Another reason Buffett wasn’t going to break a sweat about the whole billion-dollar deal was that he already had plans to buy out any contender who got close to that lump sum. Think of it as a big game of “Deal or no Deal” on steroids, except the briefcase holds $1 billion and Warren Buffet is Howie Mandel and the banker.
Let’s say you’re smart enough, or more correctly, lucky enough to have the perfect bracket all the way up to the Final Four. You’re sitting across the desk – presumably a very nice, large desk, maybe mahogany, with little engravings of his favorite safari animals – from big-business Buffett himself.
He congratulates you on making it as far as you have, and in the same breathe of air offers you $15 million to quit right now. Would that be enough incentive to stop? What if he only offered you $10 million?
Listen to ourselves, using the words “only $10 million.” What if Warren Buffet offers you a mere one million to leave bracketology and retire to Cancun? Would you take it? I think we would all have a hard time saying no.
To be honest, none of us will get that chance; at least not this year. Rumor has it next year will bring different odds to the table, making this billion-dollar prize a little easier to win.
“Wait till next year, though,” Buffett said. “I think we’re going to come up with something better next year. We’ll make it easier to win, but I think we’ll have an exciting prize.”
An exciting prize indeed, I’m sure. Another year to win it big and another year for Sir Buffett to sitteth upon his mounds of treasure, smiling upon the basketball world.
— Brad Ferguson is a sophomore studying to be a major airline commercial pilot and accomplished rap-battler. Contact him at brad.ferguson76@gmail.com or tweet @BradFerg47.