COLUMN: Flying is a kick in the landing gear
As I reflect on my journey returning to Utah State University this fall, I realize that most USU students miss out on the sheer “enjoyment” of air travel to and from campus.
Coming from Virginia, yes, the state that stole all of Utah’s summer rain, I get the lucky opportunity to traverse the continent in hefty, sardine-can coffins we so admirably call airplanes.
As many times as I’ve flown, I continue to be seemingly caught off guard at the massive objects that decide to perch in adjacent seats. Unfortunately, more often than not, abnormally large people usually get featured in the emergency exit rows of an aircraft, as well they should. I know in my case I would not be able to fly without those precious few extra inches of legroom. Oozing way over the edge of the invisible line separating each seat, engulfing the armrest in goodness knows what part of their bodies; these big dudes amazingly think everything in the universe is in harmony.
Meanwhile, I’m getting mashed against the window as my universe just got reduced to the size of an armadillo. I frantically look out the window for some sympathy from the ground crews, but merely stare in dismay as my precious checked baggage gets launched 30 feet in the air arriving with a crash in the compartment below us. There goes Aunt Bessie’s favorite vase.
Mr. Beef, one of the names I’ve made for this unruly passenger type, can never sit in the aisle seat as a matter of principle because the whole rear section of the plane would never get served their complementary beverages and snacks. If those serving carts bang into me while sitting next to the aisle, I bet Mr. Beef, the makeshift doorstop, causes passenger/crew/cart/apple juice pileups of massive proportion.
If you’ve ever flown in the emergency exit rows of a plane, you may recognize the familiar cordial greeting and accompanying question from one of the flight attendants, “Hello sir, if you sit in this row, would you be willing to assist the crew in case of an emergency?” I never have a problem helping out but continually wonder at Mr. Beef’s level of participation in such an incident. In the event of a water landing, I doubt he could even fit out the emergency exit over the wing and would probably just function as a fleshy boulder, blocking our only path to the shark-infested freedom we so richly deserve. Well, maybe there aren’t any sharks between Virginia and Utah, but I dread to know what may result if we landed in NYC’s East River. Jeepers.
My new oversized pal – well he’d have to be, I don’t want to make a 6’5″, 350-pound enemy. Anyway, my new pal would most likely “assist” by picking up littler folk (everyone else on the plane) and chuck them out the window into the awaiting raft below. Then, using small, whiny children as oars he would row us to safety somewhere near the Jersey border and fend off the numerous gangs waiting to steal our seatback pocket prizes.
Luckily, I’ve never had to endure such a terrifying ordeal. But almost as bad, I always must live through ABF, the painful syndrome more commonly known as Airplane Butt Fatigue. After sitting for hours in seats that have over the years been occupied by way too many rear ends, I usually feel more than a mild discomfort. Relaxation is definitely hard to achieve, especially when you can’t peel yourself out of the seat for fear of angering your bulky neighbor.
People are never happy to wait long periods of time for their items at the bag claim or what I call the cyclone of lost baggage, but I never care. With an acute case of ABF, the last thing I desire is to sit in a car for another couple hours to get back to USU – unless, of course, my driver looks something like Charlize Theron. But seeing as that will never happen, I mostly rely on ibuprofen.
For all of you who want a more exciting and enriching experience than your typical Logan day, fly home with me for Christmas … unless your name is Mr. Beef.
Garrett Wheeler is a graduate student studying electrical engineering. Comments can be sent to him at wheel@cc.usu.edu.