COLUMN: Ask Miss Jones, April 21

Dear Miss Jones,

I’m Asian. I have been living in Logan for awhile and started dating this girl, a Mormon girl, to be precise, but that’s not the problem. I’m graduating this semester and I decided that I need to fly home to be with my family for awhile. She isn’t exactly the pushy type of Mormon type, so dating outside her faith is cool. If I didn’t enjoy being with her, I would have totally packed my bags and just ditched her – that’s my style – except, I really enjoy being with her. She’s really laid back and her ideals are aligned with mine. We have been dating for almost two years now but have no plans to get hitched like a lot of couples here dating for that long. I’m going to be gone for awhile, and her moving there with me now isn’t an option. Plus, even if it was an option it’s still moving half way across the Earth and it’s rare for that to work out. I want to be with her but every thing is working against us. Of course when I leave I’m sure boys from her high school are starting to come back from their missions hungry and horny. I want it to work out for us but I don’t want to leave her hanging for years when this is the time she should be out having the time of her life. Every time we talk about it, she takes the side of “everything will be OK.” I’m not trying to be pessimistic, but it’s hard not to be realistic.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

Dear Leaving on a Jet Plane,

Nihao (hello)! You write wonderfully in English. I’m quite impressed. Let me just say I do not envy you … not one bit, except for your inherited math and science skills. Who wouldn’t want those? Let me share a story with you that could help your situation.
    I’m sure I mentioned it in past issues but I was in Europe during WWII. I met many manly men there but none as manly and heart-melting as Akiko. Akiko was a 4-foot-eight-inch lion of a man, and while he could barely grow facial hair, he had a mane of beautiful soft chest hair pluming from under his child-size V-neck T-shirt. Akiko was from a small fishing island off the coast of Japan and hitchhiked across China and the Gobi Desert before winding up in Venice, Italy. It was my first and only time in the City of Bridges. I’ve had the opportunity to return but can’t face the tidel wave of memories I know will return.
    I was there working, giving the troops that boost of energy they needed on their way to fight the Desert Fox, Erwin Rommel, or on their way back to the fight in Europe. When I first saw Akiko I was struck dumb like Zechariah was in the book of Luke. All I could do was stare, his beautiful slanted eyes, his baby soft skin and beautifully manicured hands. I was in love. I followed him over canals, through alleys and across bridges. The more I stared, the more I fell in love. I followed him for two days, finally talking to him only when he confronted me.
    I’ve never been one to hide my feelings so I told him, “Little man, I love you. I love your perfect fingernails, the way you chew, the deep color of your eyes and the way your chest hair pops out of your shirt at just the right height.” He gazed into my eyes like no one has ever gazed before, after 20 seconds, or what could have been 20 hours, he finally spoke, “What’s your name?” I told him and he said, “Miss Jones, come wif me.”
    He grabbed my hand and we rushed from alley to alley, until finally we appeared on the bank of the Grand Canal. He pulled me into a gondola and took hold of the oar. we snaked through the other gondoliers. He cut through them with the skill and precision of a surgeon. We pulled into a small canal, only wide enough for the most skilled gondoliers to navigate. It opened into a beautiful courtyard hidden by windowless buildings. There were eight nude men and women lounging on the steps, barely covered by a thin layer of water. Akiko stripped off his clothes and dove in. He made it to the steps and greeted his friends, brother and sisters in this secret community of gondoliers.
    He turned back to me, his hairy body glistening with the beads of water dripping down his chest. He motioned for me to follow and I didn’t hesitate. I undressed myself and jumped in. Akiko, Adolfo, Guido, Isabella, Jacopo, Leonora, Peppi, Romina, Anna and I had the greatest, most sensual experience. I got two weeks with Akiko before he disappeared. Some said he went back to his small fishing island but I don’t believe it. We had a connection that only he and I could understand. I think that the Gondolier’s union decided he was too big of a threat to their traditional business so they decided to get rid of him.
    Listen to me jetsetter, you hang onto your woman, hang onto her for as long as you can, whether that means being dipped in some holy water or knocking her out and taking her with you. You hang on to her and never let go. Every day I regret losing Akiko, don’t let my mistake repeat itself with you.
    Good luck and remember: “With as many times as Miss Jones has been around the block, her directions must be good.”

E-mail your questions to be answered by Miss Jones to statesman.miss.jones@gmail.com or search for me on Facebook.