Young people at high risk for dating violence
When Ariel Hoopes’ previous boyfriend shoved her up against the side of his car after she cut her hair without his permission, she was scared, and with tear-filled eyes said she didn’t realize until months later that she was one of the millions who are victimized daily by dating violence.
“He wanted to stomp everything out of me that made me confident,” said Hoopes, a USU sophomore majoring in English teaching. “He would say, ‘You aren’t smart enough, the best you can do is go to community college like me.’ He would have me show him my school work. He would say my teachers lied to me.”
College-aged females ranging from 16-25 report being victims of dating violence more than any other group, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and 80 percent of those effected by dating violence tend to stay with their dating partner. Utah has consistently had rape and sexual abuse statistics well over the national average.
This violence is present in Utah, and is present on Utah State’s campus, said Monica Heiner, USU’s Sexual Assault and Anti-Violence Information (SAAVI) coordinator, who saw two new students every week during fall semester about their experiences with dating violence. USU Police records show only one rape and one case of sexual abuse were reported that same semester.
To promote April as Sexual Abuse Awareness month, SAAVI is working to bridge the gap between total dating violence incidents that occur on campus and the number reported to their office and local police through events such as Walk a Mile in Her Shoes.
Secrecy
Hailey Rich, a senior in political science whose name has been altered for her protection, said she got into a fight with her boyfriend when she was 19 years old, and afterward, while she started to fall asleep beside him on the couch, she awoke to his arm pulling back on her neck. He was choking her. Luckily, she was able to run out of the house, she said, and took this incident as a lesson on what type of men to avoid dating in the future. However, she said her most recent boyfriend also showed signs of aggression.
“He opened the door when me and my friend were eating dinner, grabbed the bottles and the plates, and threw them at us,” Rich said, “then threw everything else off the table. Then he picked up the Christmas tree and threw it at me.”
Neither Rich nor Hoopes contacted the police about their experiences. One out of 10 women and one out of 100 men who are abused report it, said Marty Liccardo, prevention coordinator for Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault (UCASA).
Reasons for not reporting dating violence vary, and for cases Cache Valley on of those reasons may be that Utah culture does not talk about sex openly, said Sara Anderson, rape prevention coordinator for Logan’s Community Abuse Prevention Services Agency (CAPSA).
There are certain cultural mores about sex in Utah, said Liccardo, and this lends to the reason why so many feel the need to bury issues pertaining to it.
“It seems we are more comfortable having sex than talking about having sex,” Liccardo said.
The reason for a high rape count in a state with relatively low crime rates could be a positive sign, Liccardo said.
“Utah is trying desperately to figure out why their numbers are so high for abuse in dating and marriage,” he said, “and when we hear numbers are getting higher we don’t actually think there are more rapes, but there is more reporting and people are getting educated – they know how to get help.”
Presence at USU and on college campuses
Students should fear the solitude of their own apartments rather than their journey through the dark to the library, Heiner said; that is where the violence occurs. The physical, emotional and verbal abuse usually begins behind closed doors and between two people that care about each other.
Heiner has observed most reports of dating violence come to the SAAVI Office during fall semesters, and has also found freshmen make up a substantial number of these victims.
“I think any time you have a younger population moving to an entirely different state or city they are vulnerable, they are missing something from their lives,” Anderson said. “These college kids are probably at a higher percentage for becoming victims.”
These victims may find they are trapped with no way to escape the relationship.
Hoopes regularly heard phrases such as “you are really ugly and should be glad I am with you,” or “no one loves you but me,” and the memory of these words echoes in her mind today.
“The fact that he shoved me against the car because of a haircut, well, I was afraid that if I had said no, or told him to stop what he was doing, it would have resulted in violence, so I just kept taking it,” Hoopes said.
The way to target these issues is teaching children through the school systems about the warning signs and ways to escape dating violence, Anderson said, and after she conducts a presentation in one of the local schools she has students reveal their experiences with abuse. Many who see abuse at a young age see it again later in life, Anderson said.
“I grew up around a lot of domestic abuse,” Rich said. “But, it’s true, when you are in a relationship yourself it’s a little different. It does make you feel kind of weak … it does make you feel helpless.”
Rich’s impression of Utah culture has led her to believe women are sometimes repressed, but she feels she has become smarter about her decisions regarding who she should date.
The Male Stereotype
Statistics show a drastic difference in the number of men and women dating violence perpetrators, however, this could very well be because men do not seek help when verbal or physical abuse is present in their relationship. While men are often prone to physical violence, women tend to do a significant amount of damage to their partners through variations of emotional abuse, Liccardo said. One of these variations can be as simple as a female flirting with another male in front of her boyfriend, Anderson said.
“Anger and aggression are acceptable reactions for men in our culture,” Liccardo said. “We don’t teach men good healthy skills with rejection and feelings of insecurity.”
People are programmed today to justify why men act aggressively, thinking that it is just part of their genetics, Anderson said, and it is believed into adulthood but isn’t necessarily true.
At this point in time, there is a very poor understanding of men in dating violence, because they are unwilling to report it for whatever the reason, he said.
“Dating violence can happen to anyone, to girls and boys,” Hoopes said. “I just wish people could … stop looking through the rose-colored glasses. So many people are in abusive relationships, but they refuse to see it. I’m living proof they can find something better. I have an amazing husband.”
Residual Effects
Hoopes has changed her major multiple times. A voice in her head is still telling her she isn’t smart enough to succeed at a university level, she said.
“There have been multiple days where I have screamed at my husband and said, ‘Why did you have to marry me? I’m worthless,’ and that’s tough when your wife is questioning your
marriage after three months,” Hoopes said.
Rich has recently noticed a change in her day-to-day behavior. She is often startled when someone opens the front door, fearing it may be her previous boyfriend, who still pays rent for the house they share with a few others, she said. She imagines she will be hesitant to trust those she dates for a while, she said.
Most people affected by dating violence blame themselves for what happened, Heiner said, and some of them see this violence again and again in their lives. This may be due to timid personalities or the inability to be assertive.
In a state with shockingly high rape and sexual abuse reports, Liccardo said the best thing to do is continue awareness and prepare people to handle dangerous situations that may arise with romantic partners, and USU should do the same. While working at the University of Maryland, Liccardo found that the number of dating violence reports went from five to approximately 40 after a non-profit organization distributed magnets printed with a rape hotline’s phone number.
“Let’s be honest, we know that there are more rapes among USU students than what has been reported,” Liccardo said. “That goes for USU and every other campus.”
– catherine.meidell@aggiemail.usu.edu