Power and information central to male communication

It may come as no surprise that men and women communicate differently, but the reason may be the result of a difference of communication goals, said Jennifer Peeples, associate professor of speech communication.

While much research in this area of communication is stereotyped, Peeples said, men and women approach communication with very different goals in mind, and “when you look at those main goals, you can understand a lot.”

“Men, stereotypically of course, communicate in general to impart information,” Peeples said. “They do that both in terms of work situations, which makes sense, and even in more interpersonal situations or intimate settings. They communicate to tell someone something specific, and if they don’t have information to share, they have the tendency to be quiet.”

This is in stark contrast to the communication style of women, who tend to focus communication on building relationships, calling just to check in and see how things are going in a relationship, Peeples said.

“Men sometimes discount that information because they think, ‘You’re not telling me anything that I can use. Where’s the information part about what you’re telling me?’ Women get frustrated with men because men who don’t have information to impart will then be quiet and won’t talk because they’re not thinking in terms of, well, we just talk to each other to maintain relationships.”

But this may not always be the case.

Brian Ballam, sophomore in international business, said, “I guess when you’re in a formal setting or a classroom, you notice a lot of the times the guys blurt out things whereas the girls are more tentative, more quiet. We want more attention I guess. I pretty much say whatever’s on my mind.”

Keeping these differences of the purpose of communication in mind may explain the listening habits of men, Peeples said. Men are often accused of not listening, but this is not because men aren’t listening, rather because they are listening for a different reason from what a female may be talking for, she said. Women may be talking to build a relationship, while a man may be looking for any information that is pertinent to him, Peeples said, and because of this search for information, men may not give encouraging nods and maintain constant eye contact – typical visual signs of listening for a woman.

“Oftentimes men are accused of not listening because they don’t listen like women do,” Peeples said. “They may very well be listening, but they’re not making eye contact, and they’re not nodding. I would say that men probably listen as well as women, but often get accused for not listening because they don’t do it visually or audibly. As men are listening for information, they’re less likely to do the parts that make the speaker kind of feel good.”

Danielle Cutler, sophomore in history, said she thinks listening skills aren’t uniform for men, with some men doing a better job than others.

“I think my guy friends who grew up with lots of sisters are the best listeners that I know,” Cutler said. “They listen really well. My brothers, there are lots of boys in my family, aren’t so great. I think growing up with girls makes all the difference as far as being good listeners.”

One area of male communication that is often misunderstood by women is when men play devil’s advocate, Peeples said. This form of communication involves humor and playful banter, she said. Men engage in devil’s advocacy to come up with a better solution to a problem, with the reasoning that if flaws are shown in an idea, it can be fixed and a better idea overall can be created, she said.

“When men come together and do it with each other, everyone understands the rules,” Peeples said. “Feelings don’t get hurt because if you say, ‘That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,’ you know that you are not calling the other person stupid, and this is an invitation for discussion. You say to a woman, ‘That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard,’ when she’s thinking relationally instead of informationally, she thinks she just got called stupid. (Men) also use humor in this banter because it’s kind of a way to build rapport with each other. If you can take what I’m dishing out, you’re more likely to become my friend. Women don’t usually engage in that kind of devil’s advocacy, and they’re more likely to get their feelings hurt because they don’t see this as a game or playing with ideas, they see it as a potential put down.”

When it comes to men interacting with other men, the communication styles are also different and distinct, Peeples said. Men tend to look at things in terms of a hierarchy, Peeples said, and examine where they fit in that hierarchal power structure. She said men think in terms of “one up or one down, but they are very conscious of this power.” Men tend tend not to talk face to face, angling their chairs or leaning back in their chairs to increase distance and reduce the feeling of intimacy, Peeples said. One of the biggest components in male to male communication is the lack of sustained eye contact, she said, which can be perceived as a threat or a challenge.

In terms of communicating with other men, Ballam said there are certain topics that are taboo.

“Well, you definitely don’t want to sound sensitive,” he said. “If you sound too sensitive, that’s kind of where you don’t go. That’s a line you don’t cross. You don’t talk about, ‘I was watching Oprah the other day and I really cried.’ That’s kind of crossing the line when you’re talking to a guy at least.”

Ballam also said sustained eye contact with a girl is alright, but it is uncomfortable around other men.

While men and women have different communication skills, Peeples said there are some tips to keep in mind to improve communication.

“I think it’s three things,” she said. “One, notice the differences and be able to understand them. Two, (do) not see one as being better and one as being worse. Three, be able to incorporate the right types of communication to fit the situation,”

-seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu