COLUMN: Man Card is the Totin’ Chip for life
Real men carry cards.
Women carry cards too, but somehow massive debt and department stores seem to be connected with this. Men may carry plastic as well, but the card I’m talking about is a specially issued card – the Man Card.
I’m a card-carrying member of the Benevolent Order of the Chest Hair (BOCH). Contrary to popular belief, there is a lot required to be a true man. Sure, about half the population of the world is made up of men, so naturally you’d think they’d all qualify to be part of BOCH.
And you’d be wrong, dead wrong.
It’s one thing to have all the anatomy of man, and it’s quite another to be a member of BOCH. I’ve already discussed some areas of the Man Code – though there are plenty other areas to be expounded upon – but the Man Card merits some explanation.
When I was a teenager, I was a member of the Boy Scouts of America. Even though I eventually earned my Eagle – the day before they kicked me out of Scouts – I wasn’t really into the whole scouting thing. I hated earning merit badges, and I always resented when our scoutmaster tied us to a tree in the middle of a dense forest and left us for dead.
Even with all the negative things, I enjoyed the camping, knot tying, orienteering, woodcarving and building fires using enough lighter fluid to keep the grills in half of Louisiana burning for a month.
One of the proudest moments in my life was when I got my first pocketknife. It brought out some sort of primal urge in me to go kill something and mount it on my bedroom wall while savagely tearing meat off the bones with my teeth. Just writing that rose my testosterone levels.
But the leaders of BSA know all about this urge – mostly because they have the same deal – and came up with a way to save all the animals whenever scouts go camping by creating the Totin’ Chip.
This wallet-sized card has to be earned by demonstrating principles of proper knife handling and authorizes a scout to cut away. However, if a scout abuses this privilege or doesn’t follow proper cutting techniques, a corner is cut off the card. Once all corners are gone, the card is destroyed and the scout has to reapply for a new card.
The Man Card is the Totin’ Chip of manliness. As such, it is not a birthright as some believe. This card has to be earned.
The first step to earning a Man Card is to take upon you the BOCH oath. This is done by flexing your right bicep and grunting – or burping – the oath: “On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to manliness and testosterone and to obey the Man Code at all times; to help other men increase their manliness; to keep myself muscular, bearded and never succumb to womanly pressure.”
This is a solemn oath to be taken in all seriousness and must be performed in the sight of two other men. Once the oath has been taken, you are then given a Man Card permit. I have attached a temporary Man Card permit with this column that you can clip out. It’s a permit because a true Man Card must be created by the man himself, and must be constructed of duct tape, steel, wood or the bones of some endangered animal. The Man Card need not be carried but must be presented when demanded by another man who questions your manliness. Note: A woman cannot demand your Man Card – they just don’t understand a testosterone rush.
Like the Totin’ Chip, if an offense is grave enough, violations of the Man Code in particular, a corner will be cut off the Man Card. After five violations, your Man Card will be torn in two and you will have to reapply with the new requirement that you must bench press your body weight plus 50 pounds.
Some possible violations include talking to another man in a restroom, willingly watching a chick flick without hopes of getting something out of the suffering, wearing a pink shirt, owning any album by the Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC or watching male figure skating.
Not only can corners be taken off for infractions, but also notches can be made in the card – preferably with a hatchet – for anything particularly manly, like growing a beard, chopping down a quarter of a forest with only your pocketknife, burping the ABCs in less than 20 seconds and learning how to play speed metal on an electric guitar.
The Man Card is an important aspect of being a man and being included in the BOCH. This card should be carried with pride and honor. So cut out this Man Card permit, take the oath and create your own custom Man Card.
In the meantime, I’ll be carving in another notch in my titanium Man Card for restringing my electric guitar and practicing Metallica again.
Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. Questions or comments on how to create the best Man Card can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu