The Preemptive Critics
“The Santa Clause 3”
What happened to Tim Allen?
He looked OK in “Zoom” – with the exception of actually being in “Zoom” – but from the looks of things now, he’s really let himself go.
I knew “The Shaggy Dog” was crap, but I didn’t know he would take it this hard.
It looks like he has been just sitting around, not shaving, eating cookies, until he has turned into a big fatty.
I remember when Tim Allen used to be the man. He made “Galaxy Quest.” He made “Toy Story.” He successfully published a book titled “Don’t Stand Too Close to my Balls.”
Tim, you’re like an accident-prone father to me. I don’t want to see you face having an eggnog-induced heart attack.
Once this whole Santa phase is over, come back. I preemptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“Borat”
Through a series of germane, gut-busting shorts on HBO’s “Da Ali G Show,” the controversial British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen has taken the world by storm satirizing the oblivious nature of the United States populace as faux Kazakh journalist Borat Sagdiyev.
And, after Cohen shared screentime with Will Ferrell in “Talladega Nights” as French Formula One driver Jean Girard, it seemed that the release of a full-length feature for one of the schizophrenic funnyman’s myriad of colorful characters was only a matter of time.
“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” (that inexhaustible mouthful is indeed the film’s full title) will chronicle Borat’s journey across the United States in search of Pamela Anderson, whom the jaunty commentator fell in love with after watching an episode of “Baywatch”
Joined by his loyal, overweight producer Azamat, Borat will travel from New York to Los Angeles in a run-down ice cream truck interviewing unsuspecting Americans in a similar fashion to the “Da Ali G Show’s” trademark “mockumentary” style. That is, if the film can survive a mountain of lawsuits that might converge because of Cohen’s racy portrayal.
I preemptively love this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
“Flushed Away”
This is a movie about a poorly rendered mouse that gets flushed down the toilet.
Should I go on? They’re pretty much daring me to at this point.
This is a really crappy premise.
It’s so low, it needs a stool.
I don’t mean to dump on it, but come on, what else can I doo doo?
I’m sure it wasn’t the studio’s first choice. More likely, it was number two.
Does anyone else get the feeling this whole movie started from someone’s fantasy of giving Hugh Jackman the biggest swirlee ever?
Maybe it’s a satirical statement of how the computer animation industry is in the crapper.
Yeah, I don’t have the much faith in Hollywood either.
The rats look like dogs, the frogs look like salamanders and the slug and the movie both look like a turd with eyes.
But for letting me hold the record of most scatological references per word in Statesman history, I preemptively love this movie.
And whew, after that, I’m pooped.
-by Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu