GEEK BEAT: You’re crazy and here’s why

We live in a crazy mixed up world.

I know this because McDonalds sells salads now.

And not deep-fried salads. They have green things in them.

People may say “But Steve, isn’t crazy a subjective term. Who can say who’s really crazy and who is sane?”

I can.

Not only can I, I will. I think we’ve become way to compassionate with the craziness in and some one needs to step in before we’re all carrying our toenail clipping in a box.

I think I should be that one.

Think my system is a little extreme?

Imagine yourself at a gathering of some type and you’re talking with some who starts singing when every some one says two words in the same order that they are in some song he knows.

See, under my system, this guy would be shot, in the crotch, with a water gun.

Surely you concede he deserves it.

What follows are some clear-cut guidelines as to what constitutes sanity. Do not fight against me. Do not question the system. Resistance is silly.

Dancing (half) naked in front of the bathroom mirror: Not crazy.

Everyone does it. Anyone who says they don’t is a liar. It’s as natural a thing as peeing in the shower.

If you’re known to shake your “groove-thing/money maker” to music no one else can hear, rest assured that you are not crazy.

You are, however, getting kinda fat and are a horrible, horrible dancer.

Talking into a hands-free phone: Crazy.

You may be having a conversation with a real person, but as far as we can tell you’re just talking to the “voices.”

Naming your toes: Crazy.

It was cute when you were five, now you might as well be swearing at squirrels.

Naming your fists: Not crazy.

And if you think I’m being hypocritical you can take it up with “Mr. Miyagi” and “The Karate Kid” (I also considered “Rosencrantz” and “Guildenstern”).

Being creeped out by people who violate standard restroom protocol: Not crazy.

Don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault.

You didn’t want him to use the urinal next to you, even though there was an open one on the other end of the wall. You didn’t want him to start talking to you. You really didn’t want him to start singing “I’m Going to Wash That Man Right out of My Hair.”

You’re the victim here.

And if in your haste you neglect to wash your hands, no body is going to think any less of you.

Ladies, I don’t want to know what the female equivalent of this is. I don’t even know if you’re shallow enough to care or if anything can happen while you’re safe in you’re wall fortresses. But if there is, you have my permission for hating it.

Thinking you’re morally/genetically superior to another person because of a difference in pronunciation: Crazy.

Want to start a fight? Say “creek,” “crayon,” “Oregon” or “Ensign” in public. When some one questions you parentage based on your choice of how to say it, show them this article.

If that doesn’t work, roll the paper up and beat them like a bad, bad puppy.

Always – no matter how hot it is – sleeping under at least a sheet, if not full covers: Not crazy.

Everyone knows so long as you have at least one foot covered, the boogey man cannot get you.

Scientists are still investigating why this is. The current theory is your blankets are really funky and your roommates just haven’t told you.

Occasionally using shampoo for body wash or body wash for shampoo: Not crazy.

This is also not your fault. I blame the marketers of these toiletries. They should know that the majority of their customers are using their products in the morning when our judgement isn’t that keen.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried to take many a shower in the closet there’s no way I could discern the difference between “Autumn romance” and “vanilla mist.”

On the plus side, my chest hair has never been softer or more manageable.

Quoting a movie while watching it: Crazy.

You know that aunt you have that your parents don’t talk about? That’ll be you if you don’t knock it off.

So there you have it. If you’re crazy no you know so you can stop it.

If you’re not, go ahead and geek on.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science who firmly believes that daylights-saving time is a conspiracy involving the government and the Dole Corporation. Questions about whether or not you are crazy can be sent to him at steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.