COLUMN: Educational tour may bring defecation to A-Day
Yup, they even brought the giant, inflatable structures. I like giant, inflatable structures. I rarely use them, but it just isn’t a party unless at least one moon bounce and giant slide is on hand to facilitate the craziness. Mostly, I enjoy watching the big, dumb kids try to collapse the inflatable fun with their voracious zeal for demolition.
Interspersed among the abundance of fun games, free food, and live music, those giant, inflatable structures probably were the highlight of the A-Day celebration. Well, of course, I am assuming you don’t include True Aggie Night. I can honestly say I didn’t participate that night. This is mostly because I still struggle with what exactly an Aggie is; so I sure don’t want to become a “true” one. Maybe these agricultural aficionados (Aggies) are required by fine print to spend their summer break living in a bovine habitat for several weeks – not worth the kiss for sure.
Besides, after recently enduring sexual harassment prevention training at work, I assumed any possible chances I’d have would probably have been stunted by shrieks of dismay, followed closely by my being sent to the state penitentiary. Then I would be fighting for my life to not get “harassed” by big, scary dudes named Bubba.
However fun it may have been, I still feel that A-Day was a bust. Yes, the giant, harnessed rubber-band ride was cool, and not as much rain fell as was expected, but there just seemed to be something missing.
Oh, of course – the event lacked the currently largest, pop-culture attraction in the country – no joke – the Colossal Colon. I’m talking about the giant 40-foot butt built to educate everyone about the dangers of developing cancer where the sun doesn’t shine.
Colorectal cancer is no joking matter, but watching a massive colon traverse the continental U.S. in a year-long 20-city tour sure is! Why the organizers of the 4-foot high, 40-foot long human colon replica attraction didn’t include Logan, Utah on A-Day in its tour will forever remain a mystery. How much more fun could college kids want than to develop their analytical/exploratory skills than giving themselves a self-guided colonoscopy?
So far, I estimate that after squeezing through a maze of diverticulosis, ulcerative colitis, hemorrhoids, cancerous and non-cancerous polyps, just over 10,000 people have been pooped out the largest waste removal system ever recorded. CoCo, as it’s been endearingly named, has educated many adults and children alike about proper bowel movements during its first five stops in Washington, D.C., Chapel Hill, Atlanta, Miami and Little Rock.
I just count myself lucky that the exact weekend I’ll be in California this summer, so will the Colossal Colon. Every vein-popping attempt will be made to try and pass through the big CC during my short summer pilgrimage. Maybe if I ride American Airlines, the official airline of the Colossal Colon Tour, I can get discount plane tickets. The trip will definitely be memorable for years to come, especially every time I have to “go.”
Unless McDonald’s buys the rights to build new colonic play places, maybe USU will shell out big bucks for a major intestinal visit next A-Day. Until then, don’t fret; just make the large tubular phenomenon the butt of all your jokes. I know I have.
Garrett Wheeler is an aspiring columnist for The Statesman. Comments can be sent to features@statesman.usu.edu.