COLUMN: More than one use for a sledgehammer

If you’ve ever played croquet with a bowling ball and a sledgehammer, you might be a redneck.

Never heard that one before? Me neither, until I made it up. By itself it’s not that funny of a joke. I don’t think I’ll ever see Jeff Foxworthy onstage making a crack at the foolishness of playing croquet with a bowling ball and sledgehammer. The sad thing is this type of croquet actually exists. It’s called redneck croquet.

I learned about redneck croquet from a self-proclaimed master of the Redneck Croquet Circuit (RCC), my roommate, Nate. He is obsessed with this sport and talked about it from the moment I he moved in. He even tried to convince me the two-by-four with a yellow rock glued on it and his gray sweatshirt were awards for winning redneck croquet tournaments.

I didn’t think anything of this unusual obsession until strange objects started appearing in my room. I woke up one morning to find a sledgehammer standing next to my bed. I was kind of unnerved as I looked across the room and saw him staring at me with the same look Jack had in his eyes in “The Shining.”

The next time I came home there was a bundle of sharpened stakes under my bed. I started to wonder whether or not Nate was some sort of modern-day Van Helsing. Lastly, two black bowling balls took their place next to the stakes and sledgehammer. Nate finally had all his supplies to begin practice of what he calls “the most white-trash sport on earth.”

Since I’m naturally intrigued by strange sports, I decided to take the time to play a game of redneck croquet with him. In the courtyard outside our apartment complex he had setup a croquet course using the wooden stakes. Things were starting to make sense now.

A game of redneck croquet is much like a game of regular croquet, minus the refinement, frequent tea and crumpet breaks and Britons. Actually the main difference between redneck croquet and regular croquet is it is played with bowling balls instead of fake shot put balls and players use a sledgehammer to whack the ball instead of a mallet.

Any size croquet ball can be used, though there is a definite advantage using the larger, heavier balls because it is more difficult for the ball to crack. The ball is whacked with a long-handle sledgehammer, mostly because this is the only instrument heavy enough to move a bowling ball effectively.

The game starts the same as regular croquet with the ball being placed in the beginning wicket. The wickets used in redneck croquet can be anything – in this case the wooden stakes.

I took a giant whack with my sledgehammer and sent that ball flying. I was surprised at how little effort it took to move the ball a good distance. I was expecting Paul Bunyon strength to send the ball even a couple feet. With my first swing I positioned the ball almost directly in front of the first wicket, which is to the right of the starting wicket. In redneck croquet the players move from the right wicket to the left and weave their way through the course.

Nate took his turn next. Since he is much larger and stronger than me, I was fully expecting him to not only whack his bowling ball through the wicket but to bounce it off my knees, breaking my kneecaps, just for effect.

Luckily, he didn’t even get the ball off the ground and his shot didn’t go as far as mine. I started to feel a bit proud of myself until I realized I was being cocky about being a redneck. That’s like being cocky about being French.

I got my ball through the first wicket and as a reward was allowed to hit it a second time. Again I positioned the ball next to the second wicket. Nate followed suit and we had a tight game.

At one point in the game Nate’s ball hit mine. I knew I was in trouble. Being a redneck game, I feared the penalty for this would be me having to put my head in place of the ball while he hit bounced the ball against it. Instead he placed his ball next to mine and knocked it so hard my ball rolled off the course.

The game was never the same after that. I couldn’t get back on track and Nate ended up winning the game. I have to admit, he really is worthy of his RCC titles.

Redneck croquet is quite the simple game but the beauty of the game rests in its versatility. It can be played anywhere without any talent. As much as I enjoy making fun of rednecks, I can’t help but admire their bizarre creativity.

While I don’t think redneck croquet is a game ESPN will televise any time soon – though who knows, apparently poker is a sport – it is a game I highly recommend. I actually want to play this game again, but first I need to shake this annoying southern accent I developed in the process.

Seth Hawkins is a sophomore majoring in public relations. Comments, questions and date requests to play redneck croquet can be sent to nateharisson@cc.usu.edu. Seth can be reached at sethhawkins@cc.usu.edu (no date requests please).