Silent victims-men suffer from domestic violence in Utah

Jared Roberts has had a hard twenty years. But this year is better.

He says the reason this year is better than the past 19 is that he is divorcing his abusive wife.

Keeley Medenhall, a case worker for CAPSA, said few men come to the Logan social service agency even though there are more being abused.

“It is society’s view that a man cannot be a victim of that,” Mendenhall said, “but nobody chooses to be abused.”

Of the 303 people who were sheltered by CAPSA last year, nine were men, but there may be many more out there, said Kathryn Monson, program director for CAPSA.

In Utah, 29 men were sheltered from July 2003 to June 2004, 315 hours of service were provided for men and six men were killed by someone they were dating or living with, according to the 2005 Utah Domestic Violence Annual Report.

Medenhall believes fewer men report abuse because “it’s more socially acceptable” to be an abused woman.

“It seems natural in the minds of a lot of people that men abuse women, and women aren’t capable of doing the same to men,” said Roberts, whose name has been changed. “The feminist movement brought out a lot of what was going on but it made it hard to realize there was another problem going on with men.”

Roberts is unique in his situation, because not only did he suffer from abuse in his own marriage, but he also witnessed spousal abuse in the polygamous society in which he grew up.

“The man is the master and the women are like possessions in polygamous society,” he said. “But even with that, my dad had one wife who just complained and yelled at him and fought with the others until he gave in to her. She’d create problems with the others wives and there would be such jealousy.”

He said his father would turn around an abuse him by yelling and screaming at him. “I came out of that environment at 17 and married an abusive woman three years later,” Roberts said.

In the beginning, signs of jealousy appeared, and he said his wife would follow him in his car because she suspected him of having affairs. He says abnormal jealousy is a common element in abusive relationships.

Then his wife would manipulate him with guilt, Roberts said.

“I felt like I wasn’t doing anything wrong,” he said, “but I’d have to alter my behavior to avoid doing anything that would make her suspicious at all. She’d discuss everything I’d ever done that upset her during our married life. We’d have frequent discussions about how I was failing to meet up to her expectations as a husband.”

His wife did not want him to get a college education, although he said that was a childhood dream. Roberts is graduating from the University of Utah with a degree in philosophy next semester at the age of 40.

While she did not physically beat him, Roberts said his wife did try to get physical a few times and he would have to grab her wrists to stop her from abusing him.

And one of his great worries is the fact that his wife still emotionally abuses their two children who live with her by using guilt to manipulate.

“She’s got a terrible temper,” he said. “Every day is like a tightrope walk. It was just terrible.”

The side effects of enduring an abusive situation can be devastating to the victim, Mendenhall said. Depression, loneliness, confusion, embarrassment, financial worries and post-traumatic stress disorder are

among the long list of side effects.

“The interesting thing about PTSD is that the only other thing really associated with it is being in war,” Mendenhall said. “A sound or smell will remind them of an abuse.”

Roberts is familiar with these side effects.

“I’ve got PTSD,” he said. “I had to spend some time in a mental hospital this summer to get my head together. They told me if you have PTSD and you weren’t in combat, it’s usually from abusive relationships.”

Besides suffering from PTSD, he has also had panic attacks, nightmares and failed a class last semester. He said it was a struggle to find the right combination of medication that would allow him to function.

He said for men who have suffered from domestic violence, he would recommend finding a support group.

Mendenhall said CAPSA offers services for men and encourages any men who have been abused to come to the shelter.

“We just need to talk about it more,” Roberts said.