COLUMN: The scariest people in the world
The scariest people in the world are your neighbors. From Elizabeth Smart to Canada it always comes down to our misperception of neighbors. Just look at them (no not right now, they might notice). But really, who knows what goes on behind those innocent little eyes. They are living 20 feet away from you with access to chain saws and other powerful lawn-care equipment, and nobody knows who they are.
Here’s proof:
Scenario No. 1 – Somebody is discovered to be the mass pneumatic staple-gun murderer of the Northwest.
Neighbors’ interview statement on CNN: Although he kept to himself, he seemed like a nice guy and had a tidy lawn.
Cover story in People magazine (first paragraph): Neighbors say they thought there was something a little odd about Frank, but they didn’t want to be too nosey…
Scenario No. 2 – Somebody wins the Nobel prize in physics for inventing a catsup bottle that actually pours the first time you open it.
Neighbors’ interview statement on CNN: Although he kept to himself, he seemed like a nice guy and he had a tidy lawn.
Cover story in People magazine (first paragraph): Neighbors say they thought there was something a little odd about Frank, but they didn’t want to be too nosey…
The point is most of us probably know more about Michael Jackson’s latest surgery than we do our neighbors. Oh sure, they may tell you they just moved here from Iowa to get in on the ground floor of the cheese-curd-as-an-organic-substitute-for-Styrofoam business, but who knows for sure? Anybody can make up a believable story.
We have good reason to be afraid of street gangs, skin heads, time-share salesmen, ex spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends, and anyone else who can hurt us, but at least in these cases you can see them coming.
Your neighbors are another story. They may appear to be going to and from work, gardening, barbecuing and leading otherwise Martha Stewart existences, but how can you be sure? Spend a week observing them if you dare.
I saw my neighbor out walking his yard at night shining a flashlight. Was he a) looking for night crawlers and earwigs? b) being a good neighbor and helping me look for my lost sense of innocence and hope? c) burying a body in that new flower garden?
I see guys carrying sickles and big, pipe wrenches walking through my yard at all hours of the day. They “say” they are working on the canal system. They “say” if I steal any of the water they will cut me a new nostril just like Jack Nicholson in the movie “Chinatown.” But how do I really know?
Of course, what do they know about me? That big fence I put up can mask a multitude of sins of which they can only imagine.
Sure, I do a lot of carpentry work after dark, but that’s normal isn’t it? Everybody digs holes in his yard at night because it’s cooler then, right? And lawn ornaments are a legitimate art form aren’t they?
Come to think of it, how much do I know about myself?
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears each Friday in The Statesman. Comments may be sent to slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.