Who are you?
I’ve been having an identity crisis lately. This is not some existential angst borne of midlife crisis or chemical imbalance. I really have been spending an inordinate amount of time trying to verify my identity, not to myself so much, but to others.
It all started when I became Bivi Rodriquez. I’m not sure if that is a Mr. or Ms. first name, but said Rodriquez somehow got my credit card number and started buying tiny little things on the Internet; so small that the alleged perpetrator figured I wouldn’t notice. This particular perpetrator was stunningly stupid or fecundly smart. This person only ordered self-help CDs and movies. Lord knows I have dabbled in the self-help compost pile of healing arts and movies and these are some of my closest friends, so who would suspect?
The stupid part is that Bivi listed the billing and delivery address for these items as Laredo, Texas, while my home and billing address is about 1,500 miles north of there. This is sort of like stealing a car and then stopping by licensing and registration on the way home and trying to cancel the registration of the person you stole it from.
So this should be an easy bust right? I give them the name and address and they call in the Texas Rangers and case closed right?
Of course not; I had to send in a notarized affidavit stating that charges weren’t mine. Notarized? Who uses a notary public anymore? In legal terms it carries about the same weight as the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. The CitiBank credit card company has my security passwords, the secret names of my dog, social security number and all sorts of other double checks, but what they really need is a piece of paper through the snail mail. Meanwhile Mr. /Ms. Rodriguez has surly noticed the gig is up and will destroy all evidence.
You could yawn this all off as somebody else’s personal tragedy, but credit card companies are now a key player in national security. If you want the fast check-in line at the airport or you want to verify your address change with the U.S. Postal Service, all you have to do it let them scan your credit card.
Apparently the only entities you can really trust are the credit card companies and the Division of Motor Vehicles. Yes, Master Card, Visa and the worst photographers in the world are really in charge of national security. Try checking in on a flight with anything but a major credit card and a state-issued drivers license and you’ll be looking for a bus station. Just for extra paranoia, I’ll throw in the U.S. Post Office because they issue most of the passports. This is the same post office that has never been known for their efficiency or choice of quality employees.
After looking at this list again, it’s hard to believe that any of us are still alive right now.
Dennis Hinkamp is mostly identifiable by fingerprints and the tattoo on his left shoulder. Comments and questions can be sent to him at dennish@ext.usu.edu.