COLUMN: Reality TV goes overboard
Besides being the visual chocolate of America’s guilty-pleasure, reality TV must be breaking worthwhile ground somehow. Recently, I’ve become aware of an in-the-works award-show honoring the fascinatingly unreal world of reality television.
That’s right, another red-carpet, star-studded exclusive event meant to, yet again, honor all those who’ve done so much for mankind. And why not? What better place to respect and grace the all-too-over-the-top world of reality TV than, in all actuality, a program of its same genre? (I’m already thinking of an award for best award show.) As you know, the quality of reality television is screaming for its rightly deserved accolades. Milestone subject-matter-shattering shows like the powerfully educational “Married by America” and the ever-innovative “Temptation Island” will thankfully and finally receive their just dues.
Think of the possibilities of the content of the show itself. Britney Spears could appear with American Idols original champ Kelly Clarkson and perhaps do whatever it is divas do on stage at an award show nowadays. The cast of Fox’s “Paradise Hotel” could present special awards to each through a secret ballot vote without being allowed to back stab the members of their secret alliances. (This of course, would be the first time anything like this ever occurred on a reality program.)
The ideas of where this show could and should go are endless. So, in absolute fascination of the potential of such an event, I decided to make a list of likely categories and perhaps possible contenders. Bear in mind I don’t intend to fabricate or exaggerate any future awards but will maintain equivalency to the nature of the programs.
*Worst Audition Sequence: OK, I know the obvious answer would be the girl who wretched out “Lady Marmalade” in the original “American Idol,” howbeit, I never felt more pain for an individual than for the guy who showed up on “Cupid” professing he hadn’t been on a date since the early ’80s.
*Most Provocative Hygiene-less Love Scene: It’s great to watch the steamy romances of the “Survivor” episodes, but how would it be to smell them?
*Best Chick Fight: MTV’s “Real World” battle of the sexes is obviously the likely winner, but don’t rule out the jealous game-play of “Elimidate’s” sulkiest females, namely in the all-star renditions; and “The Bachelor” girls all score high on the tizzy-fit-meter tests as well.
*Biggest Reality Jerk: Now this category of course is a free for all for everyone on Paradise Hotel, but my money’s on Zack. Don’t tell him though or he’ll probably meet me in my home town with 50 of his buddies.)
*Best Lie Detector Sequence: The question now of course is whether or not day-time talk shows are included in the running, ’cause if so, Maurey Povich’s weekly “Is he having an affair with my twin sister again” show will run away with this one, however he may have some competition with “Meet the Folks.”
*Best Excuse For a Marriage Proposal: “The Bachelor,” “Joe Millionaire”, and “For Love or Money” will have to compete with the edgy, deep-thinking “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?”
*Biggest Barf Sequence: The most sought after award of the evening’s events, “Fear Factor” contestants are probably most favorable, but don’t neglect the 55 casts of CBS’ “Survivor.” And have you ever seen what happens to Anna Nicole Smith on her self-titled show when she drinks just a little too much of anything?
*Best “You Don’t Know Me” Debate: Now this may need some explanation, well only for those who have never seen MTV’s Real World. Basically, a last resort rebuttal used by anyone who’s been offended by Puck.
*Best Mental Breakdown-I’m Going Home Sequence: Anyone who’s watched “Real World” can tell you this scenario is about as common as breathing. My favorite mental breakdown is Irene from MTV’s “Real World” Seattle, but recently on “Paradise Hotel” Charla and Dave have given her some competition.
*Best Rebuke to a Redneck: I really love watching justice prevail on “Court TV,” and just wanted to give Judge Joe Brown and his boob tube contemporaries a chance to get something back in their quest for demeaning every living creature on earth.
And last but not least:
*Best Reality TV Program That Was Never Meant to be a Reality TV Program: California’s governor recall race (celebrity edition): Who will be the first to go?
We, the addicted masses, pay tribute to the groundbreaking pioneers who have paved the way for the future reality shows which are possibly in production.
One possible candidate for a future show wielding such important subject matter as reality shows in the past: “The Veterinarian In All Of Us”: Ten ordinary people, left together in a mansion. Un-neutered dogs and cats run wild with a need to be fixed. Who will be the first to go home and who will be first to prove that he or she is … the veterinarian in all of us.
Jack Saunders is a junior majoring in print journalism. Comments and column ideas can be sent to jrsaunders@cc.usu.edu.