COLUMN: Twins equal trouble
“Wait. No. Don’t tell me – really, I know. Turn to this side. Now look that way. You are…”
Aah, the story of my life. I have deja vu at least once a day through this very conversation. But don’t get me wrong, I love this game. There is nothing better than having strangers stare at you long enough to make their own analysis of how different you look from someone else. Usually one of us ends up bitter and angry because we are, according to someone who is truly educated in the subject of finding differences, the ugly twin.
“The ugly twin” may not be exactly the phrase we hear, but “the one who doesn’t do her hair,” and “the one with the rounder face” have about the same impact. All of this just because I happened to be born six minutes after a girl with my same DNA who looks exactly like me. Twins have feelings too, people.
Of course, there is more to being a twin than being constantly mocked. There are also the never-changing conversations that proceed the name game. If you are a twin, here are some snappy responses to the daily questions. If you are not a twin, which, chances are, you are not, then here are some helpful tips for twin conversation etiquette. Carefully reconsider asking these questions to the next twins you meet:
*Do you guys ever fight?
What? Why would someone ever fight with a person who looks, dresses, and talks
exactly like them and who is right next to them throughout most of the day? No, that would just be ridiculous.
*Are you guys best friends?
How well would you like your best friend if he/she bought all your same clothes, did their hair like you, and most people thought they were you? Creepy.
*Do you like being a twin?
Twins, this typical question can be easily combated with a quick response of “do you like not being a twin?” Ponder on that.
Just in case there is still something inside of you saying “You’re so lucky, I’ve always wished I had a twin,” here is my list of top nine reasons why you are much better off without a twin. Yes, nine, because I don’t know what is so great about 10, and nine is my lucky number. Enjoy.
9. You don’t have to look back at your childhood pictures and figure out who you were depending on if you were in pink or purple.
8. You never answer to someone else’s name on accident.
7. You never missed out on small parties because they could only invite one more person.
6. You get a name instead of a title. Example: Can the twins play?
5. Your parents never had to glue different-colored bows on your heads so they knew who you were.
4. It’s creepy when you are waving at your twin in public and it turns out to be your reflection.
3. You don’t harbor feelings of resentment and jealousy toward the Olsen twins.
2. Ever felt the stress of having to open all of your presents at the exact same time as someone else just so you don’t ruin the surprise for both of you? Well, it isn’t fun.
1. Finally, you are better off without a twin because whenever you call your twin ugly, you are only hurting yourself.
Yes, as you can see, it is a hard life I live. But just to clear up any confusion: Lexie, I don’t care if you do steal all of my clothes, refuse to shut off your alarm, and tell people you are cuter than me; you’ll always be my twin so I’ll always try my best to like you.
Twins, when the questions become too overwhelming, I leave you with one final thought that my little brother finds hilarious and that twins and non-twins alike should keep in mind: twin booty be a thang of beauty.
Lindsay Kite is a freshman majoring in print journalism. Contact her with questions, comments, or if you just happen to agree with the last thought, at lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu