GEEK BEAT: One geek’s plot to become a cyborg

I hate to disappoint any Geek Beat fan-girls out there, but the truth must be told:

I’m ugly.

Well, maybe ugly isn’t the right word. I’m a fairly average looking guy – with a certain amount of rugged charm, of course. As much as I wish otherwise, there’s nothing about my person that really stands out.

This is exactly the problem.

Who ever heard of an average-looking hero? No one, that’s who.

Think about it. Harry Potter has that scar, Dangermouse has that eye patch and Smokey is a freaking bear with a hat for crying out loud.

That’s why I’m taking matters into my own hands. I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve talked to a plastic surgeon about changing my appearance.

Unfortunately, he told me that while he was more than capable of giving me a movie-star nose or a new set of boobs, he would be unable to equip me with horns and a prehensile tail.

So, like all other members of the medical profession, he’s completely worthless.

So, barring any lucky exposure to nuclear waste turning me into half-man, half-gerbil monster, I’m going to have to go underground to change my body into what I’m looking for.

I’m going cyborg.

At first, I thought I’d just get a little work done. Probably just the basic red, cybernetic eye. You know, keep it classy and traditional.

But then I figured if I’m going to enter into the hazardous world of dodgy, black market, I might as well go all out.

With this in mind, I’ve decided on the following alterations I want done to my body.

First, I want the American Dream: laser cannons that fire out of my fists.

I know the ability to vaporize anything that bugs me is a huge responsibility. I can’t swear I’ll only use these weapons for good. Knowing me, I won’t use them for neutral all that often either. I can, however, promise to blow up anything I think will look cool.

I also promise to put the videos on YouTube.

I also want to replace each of my fingers on my left hand with a writing or eating utensil, or a knife or something.

Just don’t call me Swiss Army Boy; I’ll stab you with my serrated pinky.

Next, because you can never have too many toasted cheese sandwiches, I want a George Foreman grill installed in my left armpit. I’ll be a hit at parties.

Equally utilitarian will be the fridge in my stomach. I’ll never drink a warm soda again.

Every morning my alarm clock goes off. While this is all well and good – that’s what alarm clocks are for – the problem is mine is way on the other side of the room, forcing to leave the horizontal comfort of my bed and venture out in the crappy, vertical world of standing to go turn it off before returning to my bed.

If I had an alarm clock surgically embedded in my shoulder, this wouldn’t be a problem.

I figure I need power for all this stuff, so I’m going to just go ahead and replace my kidneys with 9-volt batteries. It’s not like I ever use my kidneys.

I also want to have the car charger attachment, just so I don’t run out of batteries when I’m out of town. And since Doctor It’s-Not-Medically-Possible wussed out on me, I want it coming out of my butt, so it at least looks like I have a tail.

I just thought of the coolest way I could store it when I didn’t need it, but I’m not going to disturb you guys with the details.

Finally, I want someone to permanently attach my hat to my head. This way I’ll have an excuse to sleep with it on.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get the Pell grants I applied for, so I’m going to have to put off these upgrades for a while.

In the meantime, I’ve started my own program to turn me into a cyborg. So far, I’ve taped my keys to my forearm, and I drew a couple extra buttons on my chest.

If I press one of them, I geek on.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science and is currently trying to come up with a way to fill his left elbow with barbeque sauce. Comments and suggestions can be sent to him at steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.