COLUMN: Switching up cliche hashtags
I’ve got a bone to pick with the Twitterverse.
Look, I enjoy social networking as much as anyone – give me enough leeway and probable cause and I am pretty confident I will propose to my future wife with a t-shirt labeled “#MarryMeGirlsName” – but there happens to be one thing that is beginning disrupt my inner ink blot to an immense degree, and I present it by first noting that your line of work has thus far been successful, but I ask you to please note on thing.
We, the general and normal public, have just about had enough with the death hoaxes.
Sincerely, it’s ridiculous.
There are few things more irritating than enjoying a relaxing lunch out with friends, and just before lovingly sipping up a hearty helping of tomato-basil bisque, having your comrade bitingly chime in, “Hey, did you hear Steve Urkel died?”
I drop my bisque, yellowish red – no, not orange – liquid flies everywhere. My heart completely shuts down and I begin to wonder if his loss is all because of my lack of being there for Urkel, or better I specifically ask, “Did I do that?” as I bury my head in my hands.
Then, and only then, I finally get smart. It doesn’t take long to get wind of what is going on. I jump on my phone, shove Urkel’s name into Google and am not shocked that the first article I find, the first one, mind you, specifically addresses that Urkel, also known by just himself as Jaleel White, is in fact very alive and was only known to be dead because some nincompoop thought it would be a riot to post “#RIPUrkel.”
You see, that’s the problem. The hash tag for a death hoax is far too convenient. I mean, how can you blame a cheap prankologist for doing such is all they have to do is slap up three notable letters and a persons’ name? I guess what we really need then is not so much reprimanding and more some hearty alternatives.
Let’s see if I can whip up some satisfactory Twitter hoax alternatives so you don’t have to feel pressured into finding humor in a famous person’s passing.
Tax Evasion – This is an easy go to because near every celebrity experiences it anyway. It is a simple way to give a famous person a fright and will cause the biggest ruckus of paparazzi history whenever they go to the bank. Easy fix. Hash tag wise I would go with #AuditDenzel or, if you want to conserve letters #IRSAretha.
Broke Leg While Spelunking – Laugh if you must, but this option is incredibly believable. First of all every celebrity goes spelunking because they are far too rich and pre-eminent to rock climb like a commoner, and the idea of an injury should fit well for those who prefer utilizing death because they enjoy dark humor. Go with #LEGWillSmith or #OprahSpelunkSnap for this one.
Wet the Bed – It isn’t practical, but I would kill to see this one trend worldwide, specifically for Lady Gaga for, if nothing else, the glory of posting #GaGaWeeWee. If someone out there can make this happen I owe you onion blossoms from Chilis.
Ate at Taco Bell – This is especially effective for supermodels that must stay focused on their figured and their completely incomprehensible diet. Be sure to post #TyraBanks– ThinksOutsideTheBun for a little fun with the most self-conscious famous people we know.
Unsuccessfully Death Hoaxed Another Celebrity – Look, we can’t completely dissolve the death hoax trend, but we can at least poke fun when someone tries to announce the end of Lavar Burton’s life and can’t get it off the ground. The hash tag for this one is as catchy as they come, #RIPFAIL. Not only is it entertaining but it just might help our cause. If we can get these bystanders to realize we find their fetish for fake rigor mortis so silly it is annoying, we just might be able to put this to bed for good.
Now, this isn’t the end of the line. I know you all must have a myriad of prankster hash tags that need to see the light of day and I’d love to hear them. My email is below. Until then, #SeeYouNextWeek.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu
Twitter: @ScwartZTeve