The Preemptive Critics
‘Because I Said So’
“Because I said so.”
This maternal battlecry was the reason I was unable to stay up late, eat Spaghetti-Os for breakfast or push my little sister down the stairs.
Now, I don’t want to influence any kids who may be reading this but everything your parents tell you is a big fat lie.
Broken cookies don’t taste the same.
There is a monster under your bed. It does want to eat you. Deal with it.
Strangers have the best candy.
So now there’s a movie out there about a mom who feels the need to continue to control her child even into adulthood. This does not sit well with me.
I just barely figured out how the washing machine works and have now broken free from the last bastions of my mother’s cruel hand of tyranny.
I’m never going back.
I love my mom.
But I pre-emptively hate this movie.
By Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
‘Epic Movie’
It was kinda funny the first time, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly proud to say I was mildly amused by the first “Scary Movie” and maybe even “Not Another Teen Movie,” but they definitely had their moments for those of us with the maturity of a 15-year-old.
That being said, it appears that complete and utter desperation has clearly struck the sad troupe responsible for releasing these blatant attempts at a quick box office buck.
It shouldn’t be that hard, really: putting together a successful film that spoofs all of the massive, big-budgeted tent poles from the last year or so.
Isn’t that what shows like Saturday Night Live did? Where’s Mel Brooks when you need him?
Instead we’re left with Kal Penn again. Come on, Kal!
With minor but meaty roles in “Superman Returns” and “24,” things were finally looking up for you. Then you had to turn around and do this and “Van Wilder 2.”
And is it me, or is the fact that the film seems to be spoofing “Borat” appear to hint that the screenwriters were clearly jealous of the fact that they have less comedic chops in their entire production than Sacha Baron Cohen has in one side of his authentically unkempt ‘stache.
Just like the larger-than-life event films the movie is providing parody for, “Epic Movie” is certainly destined to be remembered for something. Yep, “Epic Movie” is destined to be remembered as an epic disaster.
I pre-emptively hate this movie.
-By Mack Perry/mackp@cc.usu.edu
‘The Messengers’
There are a few things in this world that scare me, and to name a few: spiders, failure, death and children.
Yes, children scare me. I know, you’re all laughing right now, thinking, “Who in their right mind could be afraid of kids?” All I have to say to you is have you ever been to Wal-Mart on a Saturday? That’s what I thought.
Now you’re thinking back to that time you went to Wal-Mart on a Saturday and watched as all the moms dragged their kicking, screaming kids behind them like a line of deranged baby ducks.
You witnessed tiny fists of fury go to work as they landed blow after blow on their younger sister. You felt the pain during a game of tag in the electronics isle, when little Billy who stands about 2 foot 5 turned the corner and ran straight into your groin.
Then there’s the noise. Oh, the noise. Crying, screaming, moaning, whining, gurgling, it never ends.
I’m sure this is what Dante meant in the “Inferno.” Can you imagine anything scarier than children?
I’m excited for “The Messengers.” I’ll be camping out overnight at the theater like a Star Wars nerd. Why? Because, it reinforces everything that I know about children. They are pure evil.
Nothing can save us from them, and “The Messengers” lets me know that I’m not the only one in the world that thinks so.
I pre-emptively love this movie.
-By Aaron Peck/aaronpeck@cc.usu.edu