COLUMN: No raccoons, no Amtrak, no problem
As I expected everyone would do, I spent Labor Day pondering life, the universe and everything else trivially important in the world these days. Well, that’s what I call it when I can’t catch any fish.
I must admit that since nothing interesting happens around here on Labor Day, my Monday highlight must have been seeing the state of Jerry Lewis’ hair 20 hours into his telethon. No, wait, on second thought, the neatest thing was probably visiting Home Depot. I am unsure why hardware stores are so intriguing to attend, but my conjecture involves the long aisles of objects to push. Most people go to the store with a productive goal in mind; I just like turning doorknobs.
Coerced by the impulsive zeal to be involved in tactile activities, I wander through hardware stores ringing every doorbell, clanking every knocker, and turning every doorknob, especially the shiny ones. The best, though, always comes after the doors – the light fixture and ceiling fan aisle! Other shoppers enter Home Depot with plans and usually leave with a stack of lumber and a toilet seat. I enter with nothing more than a sheer determination to befuddle and irritate store employees with my juvenile antics. Occasionally, I will buy something – like an 8.5 amp, 1.5 hp plunge router, because everyone needs a router.
With great disgust at what actions materialize from my boredom, I charge the city of Logan to invent a new and outrageously fun event on Labor Day for the thousands of kids here on campus to enjoy, especially those with the “get ahead” study attitude. Although it must be an ingenious idea, it need not be complex. Take heed at what other places around the country do to celebrate the last day women can appropriately wear white pumps.
My hometown in Virginia annually has a fox hunting championship and a huge horse show – not a show for inexplicably large equines, but rather a show with numerous horses involved. I’m not sure what exactly gets shown at the event, but I can guarantee even the bravest would not enjoy what gets “left behind” after the weekend.
Tuscumbia, Ala. wins the prize for an original Labor Day idea as they celebrate the departure of long lost pals at the only coon dog graveyard in the nation. Every Labor Day since 1937, the Tennessee Valley Coon Hunters Association throws a bash at Freedom Hills cemetery for coon hunters and their best friends to remember the good ol’ days, get extraordinarily wasted on corn whisky, as well as listen to some bluegrass music – supposedly it takes the edge off the moonshine. Actually, I am very surprised this kind of festival does not originate somewhere in West Virginia … but I better not go there.
Although not on Labor Day, the residents of Laguna Niguel, Calif. seem to enjoy a different kind of fun at the annual Amtrak moonings. Beginning as an alcohol-induced dare in 1979, a round of brewskis was rewarded to all participants. Since that memorable date, on one day every summer thousands of well-endowed rears wave in the wind, attempting to legally blind train passengers. At least when kids in Orange County have nothing to do, they congregate and create a visually striking tradition that no one will ever forget.
I guess mooning would probably not be a well-received activity in Utah, but a new form of Labor Day entertainment is compulsory. I suggested last spring that we aim to get the Colossal Colon here to campus, but it looks like even the Big CC took Labor Day off from its national tour.
If I were to recommend a bold, new idea for Labor Day fun I would ask for something that would unify our student body. Let’s all drive down to the University of Utah and toilet paper the entire campus. Barring the legality of such an event, why don’t we just have a campus-wide castle building contest? Let the natural resources folks itemize building materials, the architectural students judge designs, and the engineers give a demolition demonstration. This idea would be hugely more popular than even the Latin Grammy Awards.
Hmmm, then again, maybe I’ll just go home and make a castle in my backyard.
Garrett Wheeler is a graduate student studying electrical engineering. Comments can be sent to wheel@cc.usu.edu