REVIEW: The Pre-Emptive Critics

    “Fast & Furious” Hottie: “Are you one of those guys who likes cars more than women?”
    The Immortal Vin Diesel: “I admire a fine body regardless of the make.”
    Me: “Ugh.”
    If you’ve seen the trailer for “Fast & Furious” you’ve heard this exchange. Maybe you laughed, maybe you changed the channel or maybe you (like me) rubbed your head in agony because you felt a Vin Diesel-sized headache coming on.
    We really need another one of these films? Didn’t Lil’ Bow Wow do enough damage to this already-tired franchise? Apparently not.
    Franchises like Bond and Batman can reinvent themselves, because people care. Do people really care about the supposed “reinvention” of the “Fast & Furious” franchise?
    All the old people are back, seemingly because they can’t get work elsewhere. Paul Walker has been in and out of bad movies, Vin Diesel said he’d never do a sequel to “Fast and the Furious” a long time ago (now look at him) and Michelle Rodriguez got killed off of “Lost” and has been looking for work ever since then.
    According to the trailer, we’ll be able to fulfill all our desires for fast cars, easy women and Vin Diesel driving cars under flaming semi-trailers flipping end over end.
    After spending time at Sundance watching amazing films that will probably not see a fraction of the box office “Fast & Furious” will, it makes me sad. This is the stuff Hollywood thinks we all want, and after “Fast & Furious” does $100 million Hollywood will be right once again.
    I pre–emptively hate this movie.

–by Aaron Peck/aaron.peck@aggiemail.usu.edu