COLUMN: To my adoring fans
I found out something recently that made me laugh. Evidently, I have fans.
No! I’m serious! In the last few weeks I’ve received countless e-mails and messages, been stopped on the street, and have even seen quotes from my past columns on Facebook pages and blogs. I even had a girl the other day tell me she and her roommate get together each Wednesday and read my articles together. People as far as St. George recognize me and give me insight on their readings. It’s been baffling to say the least.
Truth be told, I’m flattered. It’s always fun to see people appreciate my work – in fact, I think the only thing that could possibly make me happier would be if adoring passers by coupled their kind words by getting in groups and flapping their arms up and down a la “Angels in the Outfield.” Heck, if nothing else it could carry some leverage toward my dream of meeting Christopher Lloyd.
As I sat, trying to make sense of such surprising attention, a brilliant thought came to me: Could it be at all probable that I have the means to create my own fan club? The answer seemed to scream at me with the vigor of Shamu and Mighty Joe Young combined.
Nah.
There’s no way. A hearty, reliable and triumphantly annoying fan club takes a lot more than simply a name and a few devoted admirers. Just ask Mel from “Flight of the Conchords” or anyone who likes Regis Philbin how it worked out for them.
A successful fan club needs a few incredibly vital components to separate it from a few slightly insane people working together for the same meaningless purpose.
First off – you need someone FAMOUS for gravy’s sake! What good is a fan club if there isn’t a notable name to connect it to, like Tom Hanks, Aretha Franklin or, the obvious example, John Stamos? (Don’t worry, I usually just refer to him as “Uncle Jesse” too.)
Maybe a few people know who I am after quick glance, but based on the fact that I spend most of my time in my Reeder Hall bedroom eating 3-week-old pretzels and being referred to in classes as “Hey, do you have a pencil?” I have the notion I haven’t quite hit that status yet.
Second, it helps to have some cool T-shirts going around. Bright colors are a must, even better if the shirt is accompanied by a play on the celebrity’s name. One can never go wrong with something akin to “Schwartzmania!” or “Big-nosed Columnist for President!” but nobody should be afraid for something risky like “He needs no power, he IS the Schwartz!” or my personal favorite, “Schwartzman: He’s incon-Steve-able!” Sadly, the best thing my constituents will accept at this point is, “Steve: He got us free Quiznos!”
The third maneuver to ensuring a good fan base, get them free Quiznos. Trust me, it’s a gold mine.
Finally, no good clan o’ celebrity followers can survive without some memorable public appearances. And I’m not just talking about showing up and signing a couple photos – make these suckers a spectacle. May I suggest singing a song you wrote about yourself, wrestling a live animal or doing anything on stilts?
Whatever you do, make sure it’s something that will connect with them. Last time I tried one of these, I hopped on the microphone and did my spot-on Omar Gooding impression. Once I realized I was the only one in the room who had ever watched Nickelodeon’s “Wild and Crazy Kids,” I had the feeling I might want to switch things up before the next go ‘round.
Needless to say, my shot at an electrifying fan club seems pretty slim to none. But I’m bored, so lets give it a shot. Here’s the kicker – instead of celebrating my achievements with a hoard of adoring fans, I’m going to recruit just one.
Effective immediately, I give you the “Spend a Day with Steve” campaign. All are invited to send me an e-mail or a Facebook message explaining why you deserve to be my one and only Mega-Fan. Feel free to attach pictures, videos, poems, jars of relish or whatever you feel states your case best. The handpicked winner will get to spend a day with me and will be the subject of one of my columns next month.
So, are you prepared for the challenge? Do you think YOU have what it takes to be MY greatest devoted fan? Let the message-posting begin.
Oh, and no automatic winners here, unless of course you are Christopher Lloyd.
– Think you’re Steve’s biggest fan? E-mail steve.schwartzman@aggiemail or find him on Facebook to enter the ‘Spend a Day with Steve’ campaign, going on now through April.