COLUMN: Oh, nothing, just the greatest Twitter find ever
I have an incredibly important announcement – like, very important. The type of stuff that shifts our social society as we know it. You may want to sit down first. You are most definitely not prepared for this.
The Baconator has a Twitter.
Yes, The Baconator – @IAmBaconator. I’m serious.
I didn’t believe it either. I mean, tender mercies exist in life, but how could the universe be so insurmountably generous so as to fulfill all of our begging concerns and build it better and with more natural worth all at once in one simple social media account? And yet, all it took was a quick message about an after-basketball-game trip to Wendy’s and the shameful hashtag #frostyheaven – I promised myself I wasn’t going to admit that to you – and, minutes later, the time-honored website suggested I follow America’s most-celebrated two-meat, one-cheese, all-iconic grilled sandwich morsel.
It was exciting. No, it was more than that; so much more. It was like the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, except that event looks stupid in comparison to this. I am positive all of you agree.
Now, I know what you must be saying: “I get this is phenomenal and all, Steve, but (intermittent pause to check Fantasy Football scores) a Twitter account means nothing if the tweets aren’t that interesting, and burgers can’t type because they don’t have fingers. Also I find you insatiably attractive.”
I hear you, most bystanders reading this, and in response: shame on you. No come-on about my appearance will save you even a little from questioning The Royal Baconator’s ability to share with the world messages of the highest acclaim. I’m not necessarily guaranteeing a burger can actually type coherent phrases; I’m simply claiming if a burger could type coherent phrases they would be the most vital and bewildering pieces of information and, golly gee whiz, this Twitter account is proof.
Still not convinced for who knows what possible reason? Look, it’s really not that hard. Let’s take a look at some actual tweets from Baconator’s thread.
On Nov. 9 – “I’m in the #bacon business, and business is good.” – This teaches us two vital things about our favorite burger: It has no fear being transparent, and it prides itself on positivity. Imagine life if all of us were as willfully open and positive as the Baconator. Think abo
ut that beautiful world, then put bacon on it. It doesn’t get much better, does it?
On Jul. 30 – “#ImSingleBecause you didn’t order a double or a triple.” – Wow. I mean wow. Just clever. And funny. And perfect. Speaking of that word…
On Aug. 2 – “Meat + Meat = Perfect. I’m saying I’m perfect. #SimpleMath” – We’re exhorted here that one should never shirk on embracing who they are, and if Baconator is perfect, they might as well sing it to the world. The emphasis on Baconator’s math skills here also adds dramatically to the equation – pun very intended.
On Nov. 2 – “Baconator gonna Baconate.” – Enough said.
On Jul. 25 – “Write a haiku about which Wendy’s item I should get the sumo judges. Winner gets a $500 gift card. Tag it #GreatLate” – Two things here. First the ever-vital emphasis on the lifeblood of our societal short-term literature known as the haiku. One who appreciates haikus truly appreciates both life in general and the splendor that comes with counting to 17, thus it’s only natural Big B would bring it into the open.
Second, talk about your generosity. 500 bones for tweeting a haiku? What’s more charitable than that? It doesn’t stop there: a quick thread and you’ll see Baconator dishes out cash prizes for everything from memes to song lyrics and photos and all in between. For years we’ve known our friend as Baconator, the legendary burger, but lucky for us we are beginning to dig deeper into Baconator, the humanitarian. One can only imagine the amount of Make-A-Wish appearances Baconator must make on a weekly basis. Almost makes me wish I had lupus.
So, readers, celebrate. Sing a song, do a dance, kiss a woman on the street, for the world has found its apex. In all the annals of personal history, truly, you will be able to express deeply to your offspring exactly where you were and what you were doing the moment you brought @IAmBaconator into your life. You’re welcome.