COLUMN: The Book of Aggie: The Howl calleth
1. I, Dan, being born of overworked parents, therefore I did begin to attend the school of Utah State, for I was desirous that I should earn my degree in four years, guaranteed.
2. For the spirit of learning was upon me, and I sought to learn the things taught there by the elders. And the elders did teach these things for our learning and understanding, and also that we might find a job, yea, a job wherein we may make money appropriate to our field of endeavor.
3. And our president in those days was a man called Kermit. And he did much to improve our school, yea, he did seek to improve the quality of our education, yea, and the standing of our schools among other schools, yeah, and also our athletic program. And he did accept an invitation that our school might cleave unto the WAC.
4. For behold, in those days there was much grief and sorrow, and also much joy, for our athletic program. For we did have much school spirit, and we were burdened about with support for our teams, insomuch that we were True Blue, and we sought to continue the traditions established by our elders.
5. And it came to pass that I considered myself a writer, insomuch as I did enjoy the setting down of words on paper. And I was exceedingly hopeful that my words might be read by my fellow students, that they might read them and be amused.
6. Wherefore I did decide to use a language like unto that of old, wherein the grammar is bad and less effective; yeah, I did liken my language unto the books read by those of the local religion. And now if there be faults, they be faults of me, therefore judge them not, for I am loathe that my words should be judged and found wanting.
7. And it also came to pass that it was the season of Halloween, and there was a tradition in the land of meeting in the TSC and dressing in costumes to make merry.
8. And we did call this the Howl.
9. And behold, at this Howl there was a multitude of people, yeah, an unnumbered multitude. And this multitude did dress as things unacceptable in other times. A great many did dress as zombies, and some as vampires, and some as those that were called prostitutes. And there were superheroes, and construction workers, and many other costumes did the people wear.
10. And they did dress each according to their desires, that they might amuse one another.
11. But behold, there were others who said, we cannot go to the Howl, for it is expensive, and we are but impoverished college students, yeah, and poor in wallet. And there were others saying nay, we wish not to be called prostitutes.
12. And now, my brethren, I ask you, inasmuch as there is a Howl, is it not fit for thee to attend it? Whyfore should there be a Howl, if there be students not wanting to go? And behold, my ASUSU brethren, wherefore does the Howl cost so much? Are not the poor to be included in our traditions? Inasmuch as they be poor, are they not Blue?
13. Therefore go ye to the Howl. Sneakest thou in, if need be. Fear not those that seem prostitutes. Continue our traditions that the Aggies may be great upon the face of the earth. Amen.
Dan Wamsley is a senior majoring in English. Comments can be sent to slqzk@cc.usu.edu.