COLUMN: Baseball awards, part deux
In my last column, I covered what I deemed to be the biggest headlines in baseball. Now, I’m attempting to add upon the last article and make a follow-up column with more categories. During this process, I’ve been experiencing writer’s block. Have you ever tried writing an essay, term paper, break-up letter, rap lyrics or whatever it is you write? You know that feeling you get when you can’t think of what to write next, so you start beating your head against the wall or start daydreaming about something else with the hopes of inspiration randomly hitting you like Liza Minelli? That, my friends, is writer’s block.
Now that I’ve addressed that issue, here is the second half of the “pseudo” awards.
Best Baseball Fight: Kyle Farnsworth vs. Paul Wilson.
This was the best “basebrawl” I’ve seen in years. Cubs pitcher Kyle Farnsworth throws a heater that almost hits Reds pitcher Paul Wilson, who was batting at the time. Wilson yelled some expletives and starts charging the mound. Unfortunately, Farnsworth meets him halfway and opens up a can on him.
When the dust settles, Wilson walks away a bloodied man. (Is it just me, or is Wilson the only player in major league history to get hurt in a baseball fight?)
Worst Team: Detroit Tigers.
This is a given. Finishing 47 games out of first place with a record of 43-119, the Tigers were just one loss away from tying the 1962 Mets as the most losing team in major league history. Remember as the season was coming to an end and it looked as if the Tigers were going to set the record, but ended up winning five of their last six games? After the last game of the season, they celebrated as if they were going to the World Series. Although some say the celebration was ridiculous, I say let the boys rejoice over something. They had a miserable season.
Best Arm in the Outfield: Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle Mariners).
In addition to flashing an impressive glove, Ichiro fires a cannon from right field. He makes base runners that challenge him look as foolish as Jean-Claude Van Damme trying to act. End of story.
Best Batting Stance: Craig Counsell (Arizona Diamondbacks).
There are some batters with some odd batting stances, but Craig Counsell takes the cake. He holds his bat straight above his head with his arm fully extended. How does he bring the bat down in time to make contact with the ball? I’ve tried using his stance many times in intramural softball. If I do make contact, the ball rolls to the pitcher for an easy out.
On that note, my team didn’t win a single game last year.
Best Home-run Swing: Jim Edmonds (St. Louis Cardinals).
Barry Bonds would take this category if he wouldn’t always drop the bat, stand there and wait for the ball to land in the seats (or McCovey Cove) before he trots around the bases. It’s as if he’s taunting the opposing pitcher.
Jim Edmonds wins by default. It’s not only how he follows through on his home run swings, but how deep to center field his towering blasts go.
If you happen to watch Baseball Tonight next season, watch for his highlights in the home-run segment of the program. It’s a thing of beauty.
Best Player with a Mustache: Jeff Kent (Houston Astros).
These days, bearing a mustache in the world of sports has become a lost art. For example, do you see anyone today in the NBA sporting one? How about the NFL? But in baseball, you bet.
Some baseball players like to keep it real when it comes to the retro style: Jeff Nelson, Jeff Kent, David Wells and Rafael Palmeiro support the cause. The best of these supporters, though, is Kent. He’s an all-around player and puts up the numbers (and showcases the hardware) to prove it.
If anyone dares to bring back the Rollie Fingers look, regardless of how talented they are, they are an automatic shoe-in for next year’s honor.
Worst Base Runner: John Olerud (Seattle Mariners).
This award would go to teammate Edgar Martinez, but he’s a DH and bad base running comes with that territory. John Olerud, an exceptional hitter, costs the Mariners a few runs every season with bad decision-making and his lack of swiftness. He’s so slow, you can dart for the bathroom as he hits a home run, do your business and come back in time to watch him cross home plate. My buddy Aaron says he’s done it before. Give it a shot next season and tell your friends.
Speaking of base running …
Most Predictable Injury: Ken Griffey, Jr. (Cincinnati Reds).
Every time he rounds third base, he performs his annual ritual of pulling something and falling to the ground. Never fails.
Wholesale Team of 2003: Cincinnati Reds.
Did any other team do more to disassemble themselves this past year than the Reds? Although the Pirates came close, the Reds underwent their own extreme makeover by firing their manager and general manager, then giving away key players Aaron Boone, Jose Guillen and Scott Williamson (all of which played in the postseason with their new teams) for minor leaguers and draft picks. These could be considered wise moves a few years down the road, but for now we’ll consider them crap.
Best Mullet: Rod Beck (San Diego Padres).
Although he shaved off his Mississippi mud flap, he still has the fumanchu and I’ll accept that. In the second half of the season, Rod Beck emerged as the premiere closer for the Padres and has quickly become a fan favorite in San Diego. His relations with the fans are great. Have you heard the story of how one night, after a home game, he went out to his Pontiac Sunbird, only to find out his car battery died? As an alternative to calling someone for help, he went over to some tailgaters in the parking lot to ask them for a jump. He ended up hanging out with the fans for four hours, kicking back some beers and chatting it up.
In summary: a mullet (well …), a Pontiac and downing brews with fans in the parking lot. This, my friends, is the new ambassador of baseball!
Worst Endorsement: Fred McGriff for Tom Emanski’s Instructional Baseball Videos.
These commercials have been airing on TV more than 12 years now. The funny thing is, they’re the same exact ones from more than 12 years ago, with the endorsement of Fred McGriff. (Does McGriff still get royalties for this?)
These commercials are so awful, they’re actually funny. So, why have these commercials been on TV for so long? Because “these videos get results!”
Dan Phelps is a senior majoring in public relations. Comments can be sent to djphelps@cc.usu.edu.