COLUMN: Don’t even think about it
The ugliest, most deceitful organ in the body is the brain. It’s not even really an organ but rather more of an engorged gland. It just keeps inflating itself with drivel such as ESP, IQ tests and my own personal favorite “you can do anything you put your mind to.”
Why should you believe me? Well, because I have lived long, hard and have pruned enough brain cells to get it down to a manageable size. Most people have just let their brains run amok and are thus at its mercy.
My favorite load of brain stem effluent is that “we only use 20 percent of our brain’s capacity.” It is just as likely that the entire brain has already been tapped. Maybe the reason we forget things is because the brain evolved in an age when there wasn’t so much to remember and life spans topped out at 40.
Maybe it is the brain that is holding the rest of the body hostage because it is insatiably jealous of not having the power of movement itself.
Take note that the brain is constantly trying to sabotage the body by tempting it with potato chips, double bacon/cheese burgers and deep fried cheese sticks. Left to its own devices, the body would exercise regularly, eat only low fat choices from each of the four food groups, choose monogamy as its natural state and contribute regularly to Public Radio. Drugs, alcohol and stimulants wouldn’t be necessary if the brain weren’t constantly trying to bust out of its cranial confines.
Let’s examine some the gambits the brain has tried to pass off in recent years:
Extra Sensory Perception (ESP): The brain has trouble minding its own business so it is always trying to horn in on the thoughts of others. Most of us don’t even have proof of regular sensory perception much less “extra” sensory perception. If we had even normal perception we’d never marry the wrong person, buy lottery tickets, put our lives in the hands of politicians.
Past Lives: If everybody has past lives why is it we continue to make the same pathetic mistakes? Why is it that nobody recalls a recent past life like “I was a Milwaukee postal worker who died in 1956 and I’ve come back to warn the human race that nine digit zip codes are the work of the devil.” In reality, most brains can’t even remember where you parked your car at the grocery store 25 minutes ago much less antics performed during the Spanish Inquisition.
Visualization: This is the idea that if you think about something long enough that it will come to pass. If this were true, adolescents would be having sex about every five minutes and the NBA would be full of slow, stumpy 45-year-old men who could dunk from the foul line.
Atheism: This is arrogance carried to the extreme in that the brain thinks there is no superior being anywhere in the universe.
Right Brain Left Brain Theory: This is just an attempt on the brain’s part to double the amount attention it deserves. I can never remember if it is my right or the right of the person who is looking at me. Then when I look in the mirror I really get mixed up. I suggest north, south, east and west brains for accuracy.
Baldness: The brain’s last ditch attempt to draw more attention to itself as the rest of the body tries to age gracefully.
Dennis Hinkamp’s brain was out of the office this week enjoying spring break in the confines of a far more attractive and prudent body.