COLUMN: We’re sorry, he’s just passed on

“Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here on this solemn occasion…” Oh man, I hate these things. It’s always the same. A boring speaker gets up and spouts eulogies about how wonderful this life was and how much they will be missed, but don’t worry too much because things will be so much better on the other side, blah, blah, blah. Cue the depressing, drawn-out music. The woman in the far corner is weeping uncontrollably. I hope it’s not my mom, but on closer glance it sure is. Moms always take these pretty hard. They know it’s not over forever but it seems like it. Oh wait. You thought I was talking about a funeral? Why no, I was talking about graduation, though there’s really not much difference. Seriously, the only thing more depressing than a funeral is graduation – or maybe listening to the epidemic of recent female artists slaughtering popular rock songs. All I have to say to them is dream on. Graduation is the living version of a funeral. When someone dies, a depressing, often shock-inducing phone call comes from a close relative. When you graduate, your parents get a shock-inducing graduation announcement. “Honey, come quick, it’s about Junior.” “What is it dear? Did he die?” “No, he’s graduating.” “Are you sure it’s not some sort of a mistake? No? Well, it’s about time. How many years has he been sucking our money? Oh, and does this mean we can finally kick him out of our home?” What’s with graduation announcements anyway? Those plain announcements with scrapbookish torn edges are covert ways to bum money off relatives. Nobody really cares if their friends and relatives know that they’re graduating, but by some unspoken, magical law, those announcements are collegiate bonds to be cashed in and made payable on graduation day. But back to death, I mean graduation. Graduation is the light at the end of the tunnel, and school is like some horrible disease – cancer I’m guessing – that you suffer through for years. Counselors yell at you to not go toward the light by constantly adding yet one more requirement that must be completed before you can leave – Umm, no, you can’t graduate yet because you didn’t fulfill your PIBs. PIBs? Pain in the Butt examinations, it’s new. By the time graduation comes, you really are looking forward to the other side – anything has got to be better than this. Speaking of the other side, many believe there is something after death and most students believe in some sort of post-graduation afterlife. They may not know exactly what it is, but they’ve heard stories about others moving beyond and how peaceful and wonderful it is, and they hope one day they too will get to experience that joy. But still, it’s some great unknown. Some anxiously await the other side, confident they know where they’re going – straight to the unemployment line of hell. Others think to themselves that their time to go is far away, and when it comes, they leave kicking and screaming. What I really worry about is the educational agnostics and atheists. The educational agnostics are not sure if there is a life after graduation or not. They sit and ponder in the library for hours in their 16th year in school, hoping nobody finds them and kicks them out. And educational atheists don’t even believe there is a diploma, so they don’t even bother with getting good grades because, what does it matter? Who’s got a Nintendo Wii? But, like it or not, one day that day comes and you are forced to pass to the other side. It doesn’t matter if it’s death or graduation, if you stick around long enough, you’re going to go through it. Graduation preparations are a pain, whether you’re graduating from life or from school. Either way, you get hit up by a lot of people wanting you to pay them money to take care of everything – a tombstone, a coffin, all the pointless flowers, or a cap and gown, announcements, senior gift that you hope to never see again. By the time graduation day arrives, you’re likely so excited to be done with it all that you don’t really want to be there. Sure your body may be sitting – or laying – there, but mentally you’re sipping limeades in an umbrella-covered chair on some exotic, other-worldly beach. Meanwhile, your body is stuck in Logan in 10 feet of snow, with no end in sight. Come on weather, it’s spring, for crying out loud. The music starts – ever notice how eerily similar a funeral march and Pomp and Circumstance sound? – and the audience quiets down, knowing they’re in for the long haul. At the front of the room they see the graduate, and no matter how grotesque it is, they can’t look away, worrying that this may be the last time they see this person. The graduate is dressed in goofy-looking clothes that don’t quite seem to fit right, complete with the lingering smell of formaldehyde. After a long eulogy that doesn’t quite seem to fit the person, the ceremony is finally over. Tears are shed, hugs are given to survivors and then everyone heads off for a nice dinner of ham and potatoes. Come on, no graduation is complete without some sort of feast. Everybody awkwardly leaves, not quite sure what to do now, so they go back to their normal lives. The best a graduate can hope for is getting a little picture on a relative’s mantle and a framed diploma to remember them by. So class of 2008, while you sit on the podium, suffering through a speech you don’t care about and won’t remember, just keep in mind you’ll go through this again, though hopefully you’re not conscious that time.

Seth Hawkins is a senior majoring in public relations. Questions and comments on how to incorporate coffins into the graduation ceremony can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.