COLUMN: Going out with a laugh
When I started writing this column, I figured my last article would be my most polemical. To go out with a bang, you know?
But now, with finals week fast approaching, I just don’t have the time or energy to invest in controversy. Plus, I think that I’ve more than met my quota for controversial articles.
So I’ve opted for something rather light-hearted and compiled my favorite late-night political jokes of this campaign. Enjoy.
“All three presidential candidates appeared on ‘American Idol.’ It was interesting. Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell looked at them and said, ‘Wait, there’s a black guy, a woman and a cranky white guy. You stole our formula!'” – Conan O’Brien
“This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don’t want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air.” – Bill Maher
“You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn’t tell if he was running for president or bartender.” – Jay Leno
“The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president? He’s not the president anymore. Now he’s like your college stoner roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he’s helping Putin move.” – Jon Stewart “Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don’t really count.” – Jay Leno
“Last night during the Democratic presidential debate, Senator Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of frequently changing positions. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘I wish.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Isn’t that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party.” – Jay Leno
“According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is ‘none of the above.’ At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind ‘Good Lord, not him.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, ‘Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.’ Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. … McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it.” – Bill Maher
“John Edwards apologized for his $400 haircut. He said it was a mistake … especially in the back, where they didn’t feather enough.” – Jay Leno
“Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.” – Jon Stewart
“According to a new poll, Barack Obama has a 24-point lead over Hillary Clinton in North Carolina. Obama is doing particularly well with one important demographic: voters.” – Amy Poehler
“McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two.” – Bill Maher
“John Kerry has announced that he will not be running for president in 2008. So that means the Democrats are just going to have to find another way to blow the election.” – David Letterman
“You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I’d be a little suspicious.” – Bill Maher
“John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they’re calling it, Antiques Roadshow.” – Jay Leno
“Mitt Romney, who is a Mormon, is reeling from reports that his great-grandfather had five wives and at least one of his great-great-grandfathers had 12 … The word ‘polygamy,’ of course, comes from the Greek ‘poly,’ meaning multiple and ‘gamy,’ meaning reasons not to vote for Mitt Romney.” – Stephen Colbert
“In a speech to union leaders yesterday, Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa and I think she’s right on with that comparison because people seem to forget – Rocky lost to a good-looking black guy.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Well there you go: my last article. I hope you had a few bipartisan laughs, because we can all afford to laugh amidst the hectic close of the semester. Indeed, our sanity may depend on it.
Thanks for reading. It’s been a pleasure writing this column. Good luck with finals and have a great summer, everyone.