Graduate still doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up

LOGAN, UTAH – Four years of classes and one degree in print journalism later, former USU student, David Baker, still has no idea what the @#$% to do with his life, sources said, Thursday.

Baker has been a writer and columnist for USU’s Utah Statesman for the last two years, but he said he still isn’t sold on that being his career path. He’s not alone, though.

According to a study of the intended career paths of recent graduates, only 24 percent were set on going into the field they graduated in. Of the other 76 percent that still hadn’t ruled out a switch to a career totally different than their major, 15 percent said they were considering becoming a cowboy, 22 percent were considering being Indian, 12 percent thought about becoming an astronaut, 35 percent wanted to be Internet sensations and the other 16 percent was split between bull@#$% jobs like being a zoologist or a corporate mailroom worker.

“It’s like you go to college and take all these classes, but they never really tell you exactly what you’re supposed to do when you graduate,” Baker said. “I’ve taken a lot of journalism classes, but does that mean I’m supposed to be a journalist when I grow up? I don’t necessarily think so. I mean, I took a class about marriage, that doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow.”

Baker said he doesn’t see going through four years of college to get a degree he may not use as a waste of time.

“I learned a lot in college,” he said. “I learned that Olympia is a beer you can afford to drink three to five times a week. I can fart the baseline to Green Day’s “Longview” – that takes skill, right? And I can kind of speak Spanish from all the Beto’s runs.”

For his post-graduation plans, Baker will be heading back home to Moab, where he will be playing slow-pitch softball, golfing and fishing – all while drinking a “@#$%load of beer,” he said.

“I deserve a break,” Baker said. “I’m going to do a little relaxing, a little writing and I’ll hopefully find an agent and publish some books. I’m probably going to do a Web site in the meantime, I hear those are pretty hot right now. But I’m not going to push too much, just takin’ it easy for a bit, you dig?”

It’s unclear whether Baker’s parents “dig,” but they have differing opinions about their son’s career path, or lack thereof.

“Is he going to be a professional slow-pitch softball player? Probably not,” Stan Baker, David’s father, said. “Maybe a bass fisherman or the next Tiger Woods? He’s most likely just going to be a professional drunk and a full-time drain on my patience and wallet.”

Baker’s mom, Chris, seems a little more supportive of her son’s dreams.

“We’ll support him in whatever he decides to do,” she said, speaking for both of Baker’s parents. “We just want him to be happy, and at some point, venture out on his own.”

“Yeah, I thought we already got rid of the little bastard once,” Stan said.

A journalism professor – who asked not to be named to save their credibility as an educator – said it would be a shame if Baker didn’t do something with his life, but agreed that journalism might not be his thing, either.

“He’s so young and it’d be too bad for a spry young fellow like that be a drain on our country’s economy,” the professor said. “He looks like he could at least dig holes or work at McDonalds. Anything physical, unimportant and not involving children would be better than Baker working as a journalist. If he thinks he’s going to be a writer he needs to learn more non-profane words and work on writing about something besides sex and beer. Come to think of it, I find his work to be appalling, an injustice, a taint on journalism as a whole. How the @#$% did he get a degree anyway?”

Most say Baker’s main career-related problems stem from his overall lack of a valuable skills and his status as a jackass. “Yeah, people say that all the time,” Baker said. “But they don’t realize that I’m not just a jackass, I’m also an asshole. So maybe I could parlay that combination into a career of some kind.”

Jordan Sefcovic, one of the only people willing to go on record as being one of Baker’s friends, said he always asked Baker what he wanted to do, but never got the same answer twice.

“Sometimes he’d say he wanted to be a sports writer, but other times, he would want to be something just completely ridiculous,” Sefcovic said. “He told me one time that he wanted to be an ear model for ear wax ads. Another time, Baker thought he was going to pick up the harmonica and try to be in Blues Traveler. When I asked him how his degree in journalism was going to help him, he just tried to play me that ‘Run Around’ song and totally butchered it.”

Being a writer of some kind comes up a lot when Baker discusses his career plans, Sefcovic said. Others admit to having heard him say the same thing, but they all add that Baker doesn’t know what kind of writer he wants to be.

“He’s always talking about writing movies and books and TV,” Sefcovic said. “There are other times, though, when he talks about writing gruesome horror books for children or erotic fiction to be read out loud to pets. I told him I didn’t think those would sell really well. Oh, and he also mentioned something about writing a book of religious propaganda and starting a cult. I think the way he described it, it was kind of like Scientology, but based completely on the career of Billy Joel, or some horse@#$% like that.”

Many have ideas about Baker’s post-college path.

“David Baker, oh, I know him, he’s such a @#$%head,” said a student, who asked only to be identified as Bob. “I’ve read some of his writing, and it’s all just a pile of @#$%. If he thinks he’s going to be anything but a parasite in humanity’s colon, he’s got another thing coming. David Baker just sucks at life.”

Sean Morris claims to be a fan of Baker’s, and has high hopes for him.

“Baker, yeah, he’s pretty good,” Morris said. “I guess you could call him funny, but he’s not like Dane Cook funny, or anything. He has his moments. They’re few and far between, but this one time, when he wrote about drinking and boobs and stuff – actually, that’s all he ever writes about – but it was funny.”

Others suggested things that didn’t involve Baker doing any writing.

“I don’t really care what that son of a bitch does,” a former fling of Baker’s – who only asked to be identified by the letter “A” – said. “I can tell you one thing, he definitely shouldn’t try to go into the porn industry.”

No matter what he decides to do, Baker only sees his life turning out one of two ways.

“I’m either going to be rich or broke as @#$%. It’ll either be epic and bad ass or totally lame,” he said. “I guess we’ll all just have to see.”

Dave Baker has just written his last column, and would like to sincerely thank his readers, especially those who wrote back to him. He’s also begging all of you to look for books or Web sites by him, or to contact him with suggestions about his life at da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu.