Preemptive Critics

Harold and Kumar 2By David Baker

This movie relies completely on shallow racial stereotypes. This movie is political, but not the kind of Bill-O’-Reilly-or-Tim-Russert political that has been proven to sprout open, festering sores and cause pancreatic cancer in males and females ages 16-32. It coyly mocks the Bush administration’s policies – that sounded really smart, damn, that’ll kill my reputation – and it looks like a fake George Bush even smokes pot in this movie. I’m not sure I even have to say any more. Those two things should be enough to provide me with enough evidence to pre — Oh my God. NPH – or Neil Patrick Harris for the lame asses out there – is in this, too. When Doogie Howser M.D. touches something, it can’t help but turn to celluloid gold. The man is simply legen – wait for it, fans of “How I Met Your Mother” know it’s coming, but when – dary. Even though there’s not the promise of delicious White Castle at the end of this movie, I still have absolutely no qualms about preemptively wanting to impregnate this movie – that’s as close to the emotion of love as I’m capable of. -by David Baker/da.bake@aggiemail.usu.edu

Baby MammaBy Aaron Peck

Just what we need, another comedy laden with Saturday Night Live alumni. I actually don’t have that much of a problem with Tina Fey, she’s pretty good in “30 Rock.” But, Amy Poehler drives me crazy. She’s like the female Chris Katan. Her comedy is all physical, and so slapstick that it hits you in the face like a brick. Chris Katan has never been funny in his entire life. At least Poehler is somewhat bearable on SNL “The Weekend Update,” but other than that she makes me cringe. From what I’ve gathered by the trailer, “Baby Mama” is about a woman who wants to have a baby, but can’t. So she hires a surrogate mother, played by Amy Poehler, to get pregnant for her and then give her the baby. You must be pretty desperate to hire Amy Poehler to incubate your child. You’re just asking for your kid to come out as some kind of asexual being or some type of lizard. Seriously, that kid is going to be messed up. I just had a horrible thought, what if Amy Poehler and Chris Katan mated? What sort of offspring would that produce? Some sort of unfunny, spastic, doofus who laughs hysterically at fart and poop jokes. Or even worse, something resembling a Klingon, but with an annoying laugh and unbearable sense of humor. This is actually giving me nightmares to think about, so I’ll stop. I’ll end by saying I preemptively hate this movie, because Hollywood shouldn’t even be allowed to give us a glimpse of what it would be like if Amy Poehler was allowed to reproduce.

-by Aaron Peck/aaron.peck@aggiemail..usu.edu

DealBy G. Christopher Terry

This movie stars Burt Reynolds, whose moustache and eyebrows are dyed black, and whose presence indicates that Michael Douglas, Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, Jamie Kennedy, Robin Williams, Wood Harris, Jon Voight, Jon Favreau, Robert Duvall, Jerry Stiller, Hugh Grant, Malcolm McDowell, Jonathon Rhys Meyers, Kurt Russell, Dan Akroyd, Ted Danson, Michael Richards, Harvey Keitel, Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Richard Dean Anderson, Alan Alda, Phillip Seymour Hoffman (All his friends call him Phil Hoffman), Kevin Bacon, Richard Burton, Ed Asner, James Garner, Martin Landau, Steven Dorff, George Clooney, Harry Dean Stanton, Kevin Costner, Harry Connick Jr., Daniel Craig, Clint Eastwood, Henry Fonda, Harrison Ford, Tom Cruise, Al Pacino, Paul Giamatti, Paul Newman, Donald & Keifer Sutherland, Burt Lancaster, George Lazenby, Robert Mitchum, Brent Spiner, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro, Henrik Zetterberg, Pavel Datsyuk, Chris Osgood, Tomas Holmstrom, Brad Stuart, Nicklas Lidstrom and all the other real actors were too busy. OK, I cheated. The last six names aren’t actors at all, they’re Detroit Red Wings. Go Wings. I preemptively would never watch “Deal” or any other similar movie.

-by G. Christopher Terry/graham.terry@aggiemail.usu.edu