COLUMN: Tips for the perfect Spring Break
I had momentarily considered focusing this column on the ASUSU elections, primarily with advice on how to evade the gauntlet of fliergivers in and around the immediate TSC area.
Unfortunately for all of us, the elections are now over, so I’m afraid my advice would be useless (assuming my advice is ever useful in the first place). I would have gone in depth and revealed various ninja methods you could have employed.
But with elections over, I suppose there’s nothing to do but lick your paper-cut wounds and prepare for next year.
Luckily, I came up with a topic invaluable to us all. With yet another glorious vacation coming up, I think it would be my solemn duty to give advice on how to have a perfect Spring Break.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not against doing nothing but sitting in front of the television for seven days straight. But I’ve found it’s annoying to have to be pried off the couch with a crowbar once you’re presumed dead. Having made that confession, you may not want to take advice from me on how to have a perfect Spring Break. If you’re thinking that, then you’re absolutely right. But I’ll give my advice anyway.
The idea behind a perfect Spring Break is to make sure you know the reason for this break in classes. If you think it’s a great time to get in some good working hours, that it’s a wonderful opportunity to catch up on some homework or studying, then you are unforgivably mistaken.
We all know that the primary purpose of Spring Break is to forget everything we learned during the first half of the semester (that’s why all the midterms were given before Spring Break — if they weren’t, your professor is either new to this or has a really sick sense of humor).
Once you’ve grasped the true purpose behind Spring Break, then you plan. I’ve never been very organized when it comes to school, but with Spring Break, I’ve learned that master planning can prevent terrible disasters (like boredom).
First, you need to pick a location. I can vouch for the importance of this because one year we just started driving to see where we would end up. After a full week of being constantly on the road, we found ourselves lost in what we considered the most distant place in the world, somehow forgotten by time.
After awhile, we discovered we were in Wellsville (we hadn’t been driving very fast). Of course, Spring Break in Wellsville was great, but we got lucky. Our friends who did the same thing ended up in Antarctica with their surf boards and swimsuits. So pick a location, be it Southern Utah, California, Mexico or the Fine Arts Building (recommended).
Next, you should take into careful consideration who you include as a part of your traveling group. You may wonder why this is important and think me closed-minded for wanting to exclude people. But you’ve got me all wrong. I don’t want to exclude people; the point is to include people. Friends are always good to have along, as well as people with knowledge of the place you are going or someone who’s good at kissing up to Highway Patrolmen.
But I was particularly referring to including Bill Gates in your group, if possible. The reasons for that should be obvious … “Aw, dang, Bill. This yacht salesman will only accept checks. You think you could spot me a couple hundred thou …?”
And finally, the perfect Spring Break would hardly be complete without a van full of red licorice. This will, of course, be much easier to obtain if you’ve been able to recruit Bill Gates. Besides taking care of your food problems for a whole week, I’ve also found that it works great as a bribe for any type of problems you may run into. “Yes, I did forget my passport, Mr. Border Guard, but I didn’t forget my van full of Red Vines.”
You all now know how to have the perfect Spring Break, but I would be selfish if I failed to mention our professors, who have just as much need of a perfect Spring Break as we do. Unfortunately for them, they are at an unfair disadvantage, because most professors spend their Spring Break correcting tests and papers given for midterms.
I think it’s appalling that they are deprived of their holidays in such a way. So I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I suggest that it’s only fair to give the professors their very own Spring Break in order to compensate for the missed one. This proposed Professor Spring Break could take place immediately before or after the actual Spring Break, allowing them to simply enjoy their vacation without correcting anything.
You may question what we, the students, would do during this time. I think I speak for all students when I say that we will promise to spend that entire week studying real hard, just as if we were in class — but in Wellsville.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments or Spring Break success stories can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.