LETTER: There are multiple biological addictions

To the editor:

While I am fully supportive of the righteous initiative the anti-pornography group Fight the New Drug is taking on campus, I would like to warn my fellow students about a more dangerous epidemic of addiction that all citizens must be educated about.

I am so impressed by the zeal and positive messages of the anti-pornography club that I have a proposal for their leadership. I ask that they extend the reach of their impressive and exciting program, effectively becoming Fight the New Drug and Sun.

The Sun has dangerous rays that harm our eyes. Students need to wake up and realize that if you sit in the sun for too long, you may develop tan lines, skin cancer or feel burning. Simultaneously, your brain releases dopamine, and therefore being outside can become a serious addiction.

If you stare at it for too long, you will go completely blind. Most alarmingly, children are subjected to sunlight whenever their parents take them outside. What is happening to the youth of Zion? This issue affects us all, and it is time that responsible citizens speak out and fight back.

According to a study conducted by expert Internet scientists, sitting in the sun for too long may cause bouts of serial raping, sodomy, jaywalking, murderous rage or heavy drinking to over .01 percent of the population.

With this in mind, it is up to all of us to keep an eye on our neighbors and make sure they are not getting too much exposure. New light bulbs claim to emulate UV rays, so the line between what is sunlight and what is not is hazy. We must be exceedingly vigilant — perhaps, investigate neighbors’ property when they are not home and replace bulbs. I recommend to all God-fearing citizens — close your blinds and live by candlelight until we can find a more permanent response to this burning epidemic.

Keep a close eye on your neighbors, perhaps tapping on their windows late at night to educate them about their sex lives and the dangers of sunlight. Watch for those around you whose skin is becoming darker, or who spend much of their time outside — these are the warning signs of a “daywalker.”

   It is the duty of all good-hearted American citizens to observe that some natural activities, like sex and sunlight, are morally and physically wrong. Any biology professor will tell you that Mother Nature intended us to avoid pleasurable activities at all costs, not to treat our bodies like playgrounds.

We are not built to have sex before marriage, and we’re not meant to be “daywalkers.” In fact, any sort of biological activity should be kept to a minimum. Should you feel the need to get some sunlight, masturbate or eat a sandwich, first ask yourself, “What about the children?

   Sunlight affects everyone in the home. The average child’s age of exposure to strong sunlight is 1 ½ years old — even earlier than pornography and sandwiches. It is not enough to stay out of the sun yourself — you must go out and fight against it to the best of your ability. If the enjoyment of bodily functions gets any more rampant we may have an entire generation of serial rapists and alcoholics, and possibly a World War III.

Alex Tarbet