COLUMN: Student’s guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse
Planning for natural disasters is common sense. But there’s one natural disaster that’s often overlooked – a zombie apocalypse.
I blame the media. The media often overlook zombies as a possible pandemic. And consequently, their ignorance will catch up with us all. It’s a tragedy just waiting to happen.
Trust me, it’s only a matter of time before undead Aggies start roaming the campus. In fact, some people believe it’s already begun. Just take one look at the back row of a general education class and you’ll see blank stares and foaming at the mouth. I assure you, that’s not hangovers from last night’s party – it’s a harbinger of the apocalypse.
A question I get all the time is “Tim, I think my roommate might be a zombie, how do I avoid being bitten?” That’s a great question. To answer it, I’ve come up with the top five ways to counteract the inevitable zombie infestation.
1. Find a mall – No, not a Cheap-Mart, go find a mall. I can see why Cheap-Mart would be a natural choice for students (they do sell frozen burritos after all), but it’s simply unsuitable for thwarting off zombies.
First off, Cheap-Mart sells, well, cheap stuff. How am I supposed to chop off a zombie’s head when the machetes sold in the sporting section can barely cut a coconut? I’ve used a Cheap-Mart machete and it’s embarrassing to say the least.
I hate to break it to you, China, but you’d have no chance against the living dead. Now shape up and go make me some durable machetes for once.
Secondly, Cheap-Mart doesn’t sell “hip” clothes. An excellent tactic for navigating zombie hordes would be to blend in. If you truly want to blend in with a crowd of zombies, expensively fashionable clothes is the way to go, because anyone who spends $50 on a T-shirt is a zombie.
2. Weapons (duh) – The only way to kill a zombie is to decapitate the head or destroy the brain. Otherwise, they’ll just keep on coming. Which brings me to my next point: which weapons are most effective?
I don’t anticipate too many students carrying around machetes, so let’s look at two more common items. Let’s start with the textbooks: They’re heavy, over-priced, and an effective killing machine.
From past experiences, I’ve found the especially boring books to be most effective. If you’re not sure which book will do the most damage, I’d start with macroeconomics. And for target practice, try throwing them at non-zombies – very satisfying.
Another effective killing machine is longboards. Anyone on campus who’s ever been hit by one can attest to this fact.
3. Being pretty helps – If there’s one thing that Hollywood has taught me, it’s that being pretty will get you far in life. Though being beautiful is not an end all solution to zombie survival, you’d be surprised at how effective it can be.
Hollywood seems to believe that zombies are more likely to eat ugly people first, and I trust their judgment. After all, they’ve had plenty of experience dealing with the living dead.
So, I suggest everyone visit their family dentist, because if your teeth aren’t whiter than the whites in your eyes, you’re not trying hard enough.
4. Avoid dancing mobs – If you see a group of zombies dancing in unison, run. “Thiller” may appear to be harmless at first, but there’s nothing more shameful than being eaten by an undead Michael Jackson wannabe.
5. Save the smart people – Let’s face it, despite all of my advice, unless your first name is Buffy, or your last name is Belmont, you probably won’t survive a zombie apocalypse. That’s why we need to save the smart people. If USU can clone a mule, then I fully put my faith in our ability to create a zombie antidote too.
However, for this reason, USU is more likely to be infested by zombies, since zombies love brains so much. Hence, BYU shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
So, there it is. I sincerely hope these tips have put your mind at ease. And if I offended any zombies out there, I apologize. Now excuse me while I go order a machete suitable for cutting coconuts.
Tim Russell is a sophomore majoring in broadcast journalism. You can find him with a stash of longboards, ready for a zombie attack. Questions or comments can be sent to him at tim.russell@aggiemail.usu.edu