COLUMN: Stilettos worth the pain?
Dear Lindsay,
I have developed a love for wearing very insensible pointy-toed, skinny-heeled shoes. I can handle the pain for low-impact activities like talking on the phone and watching movies, but the weather and distance between my classes have imposed too many dangers for me to safely wear them to school. What can I do?
Yours truly,Stiletto-Heeled Safety Hazard
Dear Stiletto-Heeled Safety Hazard,
I understand this problem all too well. It all comes down to the ultimate question, raised time and time again by members of fashion-conscious societies: Does pain truly equal beauty?
The indisputable answer is … yes. Pain is squishing toes downhill into the end of a tiny point. Pain is stepping slightly off balance and falling from your 5-inch heel onto the side of your ankle … in public. Pain is hobbling across a snowy parking lot without the slightest hint of traction and heels that puncture even the thickest ice.
If the connection between pain and beauty has become blurred or just isn’t seeming quite worth it to you, there are other options. Since this is the case for me, I have resorted to clunky, comfortable shoes for all trips to campus.
Other options are available to those who find this solution too far-fetched. The most obvious is to simply avoid going anywhere where you have to walk further than 50 to 65 steps. Relying on friends and roommates for rides to the closest possible drop-off point to your classroom is a definite must. I wish you the best of luck in all your future footwear endeavors.
Dear Lindsay,
I am stressed out because I’m not sure what to do with my future. Any advice would be welcomed.
Sincerely, Lost from Logan
Dear Lost from Logan,
Since this question is a common one, I have decided to share my wealth of knowledge on strangers’ futures, particularly the near future, with everyone. I will use my talents in astrology to most accurately direct the right advice to the right readers.
Aries: You should major in pottery with an emphasis in plates. It doesn’t matter what you are studying now – you will feel much more fulfilled as a pottery artist.
Taurus: When Saturn enters your sign at approximately 4 p.m. Sunday, be aware that absolutely nothing will result from it.
Gemini: In celebration of the sign of the twins, make new friends this weekend by saying you’ve been told you could be their identical twin. Race, age and appearance are irrelevant.
Cancer: Avoid associating with friends and roommates on Saturday afternoon. They want nothing good for you.
Leo: Attend at least one class on Friday, regardless of whether or not you actually have any classes and make frequent comments. This will be liberating and beneficial, therefore the comments need not be coherent or related to the class.
Virgo: The first song you hear on Friday after 5 p.m. is your new personal theme song. Live your life accordingly.
Libra: To cure any lingering health issues, restrict this weekend’s food intake to only condiments. Mustard and barbecue sauce are especially beneficial to the immune system.
Scorpio: If someone waves at you or acknowledges you while driving, ensure your safety by quickly reaching to each door and dramatically locking it.
Sagittarius: To ensure the best possible weekend for yourself, don’t wear shades of blue or stripes in any form.
Capricorn: Studying for your test on Monday is unnecessary. It’s too late to start now anyway, so save yourself the stress and skip it.
Aquarius: Be especially careful when around household appliances or lighting fixtures this weekend. Bodily harm may result when you least expect it.
Pisces: Watch as much TV as possible this weekend. You will unavoidably learn something you didn’t know before or had forgotten.
Lindsay Kite is a junior majoring in print journalism. If you have also have pressing questions that need answers, you owe it to yourself to contact
lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu.