COLUMN: Foosball may be finacial solution
I suppose that before I get started it would only be fair to let you have an idea of how my thought process works. It, basically, is this: How can I get more money? Bear in mind that this is only a large generalization (more specifically it would be, how can I get more money and what am I going to do with that cake that has been in our fridge for four months). Yet that’s what I had in mind when I came up with the idea for this article. I will, therefore, take you step by step through my thought process (I too am surprised that the article has made it this far). I decided the best way to get money is to not have to pay tuition. The only way to not pay tuition is to either drop out of college, have your dad be the university president or get a scholarship. Now, since dropping out of college will leave me to the mercy of fast food restaurants, and since my dad had the nerve to not apply to be the president of the university, I suppose that leaves me to getting a scholarship. To save some time, I can immediately cancel out any academic scholarships (unless it’s possible to convince the university that a good GPA is like a golf score: The lower the better). It then occurred to me that the only thing left to me was an athletic scholarship. This got me pretty excited, because I figured this would be my best option anyway. Later, I found out to my dismay, that apparently you have to be a good athlete to qualify. Well, I don’t exactly consider myself NBA material (I still haven’t been arrested), but I have played on some rather good co-ed intramural teams, so I thought I stood a pretty good chance at making the basketball team. After talking to Coach Morrill, and he saw my skills, he told me he would be happy to take me on as a purple shirt freshman. When I asked him what that was, he said it meant I would promise never to play any form of basketball again. Not to sound bitter, but he obviously had not seen our intramural game where I almost hit a three pointer (I swear it touched the net). After that little endeavor, I realized it was apparent I wasn’t going to get an athletic scholarship for any of the current sports. Clearly what this means is that we need another sport here at USU. Boys volleyball? Wrestling? Cricket? Monopoly? (Is that a sport?) These are good suggestions, but after doing a lot of hard thinking I decided the university would benefit most by adding a Foosball team. My genius has left you awestruck, I’m sure, but allow me to explain, as if it needed it, the reasons why Foosball would be the best option (besides the fact that I figured it’s the only one I could get a scholarship for). •Equipment is simple and inexpensive. •There is a need of no more than four people to play (there would obviously be another four for substitutes – it can be a tiring game). •Injury rates are low. •We would have no competition, therefore we would be the automatic national champions. •Tournaments could be held in the Spectrum in order to accommodate the high audience demand, thereby helping local businesses economically. •It would open the door to such other high-octane sports as air hockey, pingpong, pinball and Scattergories. •Since there is only a one-letter difference between Foosball and football, there might be more than a couple errors in fund transferring. There are probably those of you out there who figure, prematurely, that you are easy shoe-ins for the new Foosball team/scholarship. I do not wish to shatter your Foosball dreams, as innocent as they are, but I unabashedly declare I am the absolute best Foosball player on campus (Paul, Derek – stay out of this), and I am not in the least bit afraid to prove it. I challenge anyone and everyone who thinks they can beat me to a Foosball tournament. As a disclaimer, if you consider yourself to be on the intermediate/expert level, then my name is not really Marty Reeder, and I live in Kenya and will be more than happy to take your challenge.
Marty Reeder is a junior majoring in English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu