COLUMN: Your guide to safe movie watching with roommates
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is: last week we discovered my roommate Rex’s Netflix account can be played on our X-Box 360, giving us the triumph of knowing we can view virtually any film from the comfort of my 13-year-old, 24-inch television set. This was followed by a series of cheers and fist bumps.
The bad news: this week has reminded me of every reason I hate watching movies with roommates.
Now don’t get me wrong, campus living for the most part is a worthwhile experience. Outside of busy bathrooms, mystery odors in the kitchen and the unsettling realization that the two freshmen in our apartment are getting all the chicks, we tend to get along smoothly. That is, of course, until we all sit down together and hit the play button.
At this point I am thrust into a realm where I’d rather be anywhere else in the world than our shared couch which we’re not exactly positive has always been brown. I came mere inches from sending a Hurricane Knuckle Sandwich toward each of their faces, and even that was during the opening credits.
Most of these film-viewing vices are harmless – leaving the light on, blocking somebody’s view of the screen, and, of course, the annoying “oh, I’ll pop some popcorn” routine. However, there are few that are worthy of no forgiveness. They morph a fully-functioning, normal human being into a rage-ridden tyrant, out to end movie-viewing violations for the good of all safety and enjoyment.
The first of these film-buff cardinal sinners is the Movie Quoter. We’ve all been here with this fiend. He’s probably seen the movie a thousand times, and he’s about to prove it to you by going through the entire movie, verbatim, without hesitation.
Lucky for us, the stream of quote-ful agitation begins with a soft warning, usually something along the lines of, “oh, I love this movie,” or “this part is so funny.” These are catalysts to the knowledge that you, from here on out, are forbidden from enjoying this film in peace. You are stuck in the verbal trap of all traps. With enough moxie you might be able to turn to your friend, the memorization moron, and exclaim, “dude! If I knew this was going to happen I would’ve just paid six dollars to watch you.” With any tinge of sanity, and possibly some hefty volume settings, you may be able to get through this roadblock with ease.
Next is a bit more entertaining than it is irritating. This, of course, is the Movie Make-Out dilemma. It’s a proven fact, when living with six dudes, at least one of them is always bound to bring a girl along to every activity (for guys-with-chicks everywhere, please avoid this at all costs. We’re getting really close to doubling your rent just ‘cause we feel like it).
You see, there is a weird chemical imbalance that occurs in the ear of each male present in this situation. In short, when any two people are making out within a thirty-foot radius that is all that the male can hear. Movies, explosions, even sizzling, overcooked hot-pockets take a backseat whenever there is any sign of, as my best friend puts it, “sucking pineapple.”
This predicament is a little tougher than most situations, so plans to evade this occasion will take some risk. Try an annoying laugh, a coughing fit, or, if it comes down to it, some ever-so-timely flatulence to break the pseudo-romantic moment. If you don’t think of something quick, you’ll be stuck in your little lip-smacking REM stage for the long haul.
But none of these scenarios holds a tune to the ultimate movie-watching flaw – the sure fire way to induce angry sighs, stone-cold stares and DVDs careening toward people’s heads. No one is safe.
My discovery of this came as I sat with my comrades to enjoy the third season of “Bones,” when one of our roommates walked in late and sat down. Just a few seconds after asking us to recap all 20 minutes of what he missed, he chimed in, “oh, it was the brother.”
Red light. You can chat your way through the film, chew loudly and find numerous other ways to annoy us to high heaven. But you never, ever, ever give away the ending, whether you know it’s coming or not. This goes down with actions as low as Pete Rose betting on baseball or Spock betraying Kirk – a complete lack of simple decency that leaves the initial viewer more than just peeved.
Sure, some people find it fun to guess how things are going to end, but in reality, I rented the movie so I could be shown what happens. Those who violate this rule had best pray for an alternate ending or a desperate escape, because a roommate tornado is on the rise, notwithstanding a possible demand that you now owe said roommate the full $5.65 (plus late fees) for souring two hours of their precious time.
For my closing remarks, a few words to the wise. For those who enjoy the movie experience, please be sure to hone your etiquette if you wish to make it through the following semester without a scratch. If you need some roommate bonding, there is a whole world apart from the painful path of attempting to watch a movie.
Go to the park, help the needy, have a mustard fight, anything. But please, please do anything you can to avoid the gorge of frustration that only the joining of a DVD and your roommates can concoct.
Oh, and let me know when the popcorn’s done. I just found “Honey We Shrunk Ourselves” on the instant queue.
Questions or comments can be sent to Steve at steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu