COLUMN: Understanding dating
I suppose it was only a matter of time before I attempted to tackle the most daunting of issues that plague any and all college students: Whether it is ethical to eat pizza cold or not.
Actually, in retrospect, I don’t think I am yet ready to tread that undeniably controversial ground. Well, since that successfully eliminated my topic in one swift blow, I guess I’ll have to resort to the obvious default subject: The ever-popular issue of dating.
Dating, to say the least, has caused the human race more problems in its complex history than indoor plumbing or advanced algebra (OK, maybe those have been problems for only me, but the point is that it causes problems). Some highlights of my disastrous dating career include discovering my date to be an active communist, a robot and a cannibal (gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “dinner and a movie”). Allow me, however, to stress the fact that I will not even begin to try to understand women or explain men – that would be a hopeless endeavor that too many people have foolishly felt they could succeed in doing. I only propose to have an answer for making your dates much more survivable.
To start out with, everything in this world has its prerequisites. In order to go on rides in Disneyland, you need to surpass a certain height. You must have taken the ACT to be accepted into college (of course, you’re also supposed to have graduated from high school, but I’m living proof they don’t give thorough research into that).
There are even some such absurd prerequisites that state you need to have a certificate of sanity in order to leave an insane asylum – I won’t even begin to describe the problems I’ve had with that. But the point is, with all of these prerequisites for everything, why not have some prerequisites for dating, or better said, why not have some dating principles?
Principles can help you to weed out any of those dreaded dates which turn out to be awkward, strange or which inevitably end up at McDonald’s or even Wal-Mart. Each person is an individual, and therefore, certain principles may vary, but I have provided a list, just to help get you started, which I believe applies to anyone universally. Here you go:
The boy or girl I date must:
1. Never have been convicted for any type of first-degree homicide (second-degree is optional).
2. Not own or wear any article of clothing that is any shade of hot pink with leopard spots (this especially applies to boys).
3. Not uphold the philosophy that personal hygiene entails simply rubbing on an air freshener in the morning in place of taking a shower.
4. Not have a habit of eating Spam daily and be deceived into believing that this is normal.
And last, but probably most importantly, the boy or girl I date must absolutely have a head. You may have never considered this last one before, but if you think about it, it could save you from a lot of grief. If you think that it’s hard to communicate to a person of the opposite gender with a perfectly normal anatomy, try communicating with someone who has no head. I do not mean to automatically ostracize all of you headless people out there, but let’s be honest; the doorstep moment will clearly be awkward for all those involved.
Now I realize there are those of you out there who have successfully braved the world of dating and have now married. You may think this article does not apply to you, but I purposely prepared it in such a way that you can exchange the dating theme for a more appropriate one that will automatically work in its place. For example, “The pet I choose must …” or “The landlord we rent our apartment from must …” or “The beef stroganoff I eat for dinner must …” OK, that last one may be a stretch, but you get the idea.
For those of you confused about the specifics of some of these principles, make your own decisions based on careful consideration. Personally, I feel that anyone with a prosthetic head will work out just fine – there’s no need to get too picky.
Marty Reeder is a junior majoring in English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu