Preemptive Critics
“Chicken Little”
A year or so ago, Zach Braff’s “Garden State” warmed the hearts of MySpace.com users everywhere.
Now the actor, writer and über-emo wonderboy is back with another heartfelt tearjerker – Pixar’s “Chicken Little.”
Braff voices an animated, neurotic fowl that is dead set on letting the world know that: 1) The sky is falling and 2) the Shins (or any other band name he can drop) will change your life.
Little’s claims that the Sky Came Falling could get him into some serious Hot Water Music. The addition of world-eating aliens named Jimmy from the planet Mars Volta could be stretching this short children’s story too far, but sometimes Further Seems Forever.
Along with Henny Pennywise and a Rye Coalition of characters with rhyming names, will Chicken Little be able to Saves the Day? Or will his efforts be to no Avail?
It doesn’t really matter.
Don’t get the kids up for this one. I preemptively hate this film.
-by Aaron Falk/acf@cc.usu.edu
“Get Rich or Die Tryin'”
In “Get Rich or Die Trying,” Curtis Jackson – more commonly know as 50 Cent – will be playing a rapper.
That’s right: a rapper will be playing a rapper.
What’s the deal with people playing what they really are? People keep doing it and everyone keeps raving about how well they do. Like Michael Jordon playing a basketball player, Jerry Seinfeld playing a lanky stand-up comedian living in New York or Johnny Depp playing a total freak.
Of course they do well. They’re playing themselves!
If they were to make a movie starring me about some guy who makes fun of movies without even seeing them, I guarantee I would rock the house. Maybe even two houses.
But let’s be fair here. Let’s emphasize the good parts of this movie.
First off, according to the trailer, nothing we’ve heard can prepare us for this movie. This is good because I hate preparing. If nothing can prepare me, I don’t have to bother.
Second, also according to the trailer, it’s a motion picture event. You catch that, it’s not just a movie, but a motion picture event. Those don’t just happen every day.
So in conclusion, for leaving me confused about how I should feel, I preemptively hate this movie.
-Steve Shinney/steveshinney@cc.usu.edu
“The Weather Man”
When I was kid I wanted to be a weather man when I grew up. But by the time I finally figured out how to pronounce “meteorology,” my career as a bus driver was already set.
So, a movie inspired by dopes on the news we’d all like to smack once in a while sounds great.
I understand, though, that aside from intermittent mild curiosity about the need for an umbrella, nobody really cares about the weather – much less the life of the guy who presents it.
Playing David Spritz, a popular television weather guy, the Hollywood mega-actor Nicolas Cage gets to redo his role in “The Family Man.” Only this time it rains a lot.
After a national morning show calls him for an audition in what could be a huge boost professionally, Spritz struggles to juggle success on the air with waning family ties.
As he tries to mend relationships with his sick father, ex-wife and kids who think he’s a moron, Spritz discovers that his attempts to control the chaos of his life are just like the forecasts he reads on the air – totally unpredictable.
Though the movie feels mushy, there are enough tidbits of fun, like scenes with flying milkshakes, are packed into the film making the ensuing comedy worthwhile.
So, simply for personal nostalgia and seeing Nick Cage get plastered with food, I preemptively love this film.
-by Garrett Wheeler/wheel@cc.usu.edu