Column: The Geek Beat

I apologize if this beat doesn’t read as smoothly as some of the other ones. I’m having trouble focusing because I’m all a-twitter with excitement for the new Harry Potter movie.

That’s right, I’m a pothead, and I’m not ashamed.

But seriously, I’m all a-twitter.

OK guys, you can stop coughing and saying “dork.” I know what you’re saying.

I’ve always been curious why some people still insist on calling me a nerd and thinking it would strike me as some kind of insult.

What’s next, getting mad because I beat you at chess and then, in a fit of rage, reminding me that the pi is a non-repeating decimal?

I already know that, just like I am already fully aware of the fact that I’m so far down the social ladder that the only people I’m cooler than are the guys who follow horses in parades for a living and – of course – anyone who still answers the phone with “WAAAZZZUUUUUPPPPP!”

So anyway, there’s a new Harry Potter movie less than a week away and I have a problem: I’m married.

That’s not to say that my wife won’t let me see it out of baseless jealousy toward Cho Chang, or that now that I’m married I don’t get into this sort of thing anymore. Those of you out there in the same situation know exactly what I’m talking about.

Being married and being a student is often a synonym for being poor.

I’ve decided that in order to maintain my lifestyle, I’m going to have to break down and start earning some money. No, don’t worry, I won’t be getting a real job – I’m not that desperate.

Being, really, a winner in life, I have had a baker’s dozen crazy money-making schemes. I just hope to Pez that this one works out better than that topless carwash.

I started young. As a lad, I would eat June bugs for my friends at the going rate of a quarter a pop.

As I grew older and developed the first pesky signs of a sense of morals, I had to stop. I just felt like I was taking advantage of them.

Fortunately for my financial situation, my sense of right and wrong has long been buried underneath a lifetime of violent videogames and PG-13 movies full of swearing.

So that’s why I’m going to whore myself out for money. I realized that I’ve spent a life developing a certain skill set and it’s time that I put them to good use.

That’s right: I’m an adventure for hire.

If I’ve learned one thing in my life, it’s this world is full of quests that need fulfilling – each with big, honking treasures at the end.

And even if you don’t reach the end, you can still keep all the money from everyone and everything you’ve killed along the way.

Some people raise moral questions about the difference between adventuring and being a mugger. I see their concern. In both lines of work, you pick a random target, beat the living snot out of them, leave them for dead and take their money.

I feel this sort of activity is acceptable because it’s for the greater good. Namely, so that I can buy bigger weapons which I will use to slay a dragon to save some maiden. Or to slay some maiden to save a dragon; I don’t really care, just whoever is willing to pay me.

So, if you’ve got a package that needs transport through a rough neighborhood or your village is about to be pillaged by an evil warlord, I’m your man. I’ll work for gold pieces, gems or magic beans.

Keep in mind, I’m only a level-six columnist, I’m really not ready for anything too big, but I can certainly put you on a waiting list.

You’ll definitely have to wait until after the Harry Potter movie.

Steve Shinney is a junior studying computer science and is currently randomly entering other students’ houses to open treasure chests and smash jars looking for small change. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.