The new super secret spa treatment is …
When I hear someone mention the word “spa,” I, like many men, stick my fingers in my ears, hum loudly and retreat to safer location.
This location, in all instances, is occupied by a large-screen television where I can watch programs that involve either NASCAR, deer hunting or “American Gladiators.”
Maybe a little of each.
Then I can finally feel manly again.
It is, however, important to acquire knowledge of what women may be doing while they’re away. Using our local Sherwood Hills as the example venue, I have described several of the treatments they list at www.sherwoodhills.com.
1) Massages
A pleasantly vigorous massage will soothe you to a relaxed state of bliss, eventually making you have to pee. So be sure you visit the bathroom before trying one of the exclusive massage options.
•Deep Tissue massage: Designed for people with very sensitive skin, this massage is so feathery gentle you may not feel it at all. It also comes in handy if you have a runny nose.
•Mini massage: Making midgets feel much better, this massage is specialized for people in the under-4-foot category.
•Two-By-Two massage: Because this is Utah, even the spas have special discounts for LDS missionaries.
2) Salt Glows: Ben Franklin’s lesser-known announcement, “Give me exfoliation, or give me acne,” never made it into history books, but he has a point.
Salt doesn’t really make people glow, but it can clean out your pores and give you a delectable seasoned flavor.Make ole Ben proud by continuing a major American tradition with a special scrub.
•Neroli body polish: If you’ve ever wanted that cute chrome look, this is the treatment for you. Participants are electroplated into a shiny finish, then a hairy Italian guy named Neroli plucks the excess out your important crevices. This treatment gives an impressive “Terminator 2” look.
3) Body Wraps: If you’re not claustrophobic and like to play with mud n’ things, body wraps will not only let you get in touch with your inner swine, but also rid your skin of nasty toxins.
Toxins released in body wraps can include dirt, grime, bacteria, viruses and the occasional bird flu. Asian poultry farms are currently employing spa techniques as one of many ways to curb the pandemic threat. And you thought they were just muddy chickens.
•Dead Sea mud mask: Getting down and dirty Hebrew style couldn’t be easier with this new treatment. Be warned that the floating feeling isn’t actually the extra salt; it’s a side effect of your previous chroming.
•Harmonizing algae wrap: Now it’s possible to play with aquatic plants while singing “No Diggity” with your friends. No wait, that’s the dang algae rap.
4) Facials: Not to confuse this treatment with the man’s version of a facial, which includes two black eyes, a puffy lip and several fewer teeth, a women’s facial involves revitalizing the root of female expression.
Basically, the spa workers unlatch the participant’s face, toss it in the garbage and grab a new one from the hall closet. The new visage is always more vibrant, less wrinkly, smoothe, and oddly a half a size too big. Try out one of these facials.
•European facial: Instead of getting your average new face, these facials are imported and fused to your head by a tall, handsome gay man named Sven.
•Mini facial: These are new faces for midgets – or wrinkly children.
•Cryogenic marine mask: This treatment involves the application of an icy seawater mist to freeze-dry your old face. Now you can save it for your scrapbook.
5) For men: Contrary to what I have always thought, some spas like Sherwood Hills have stuff for men to do besides sitting and thumb-twiddling like we do at the shoe section of department stores.
•Sportsman’s bath: Come on in, the water is mighty fine. You can even bring your shotgun with you. Instead of a prissy smell, specialty soaps are scented with manly things like sawdust, gunpowder or diesel fuel.
•Mountain man scrub: For that grizzly bear in you, Paul Bunyan will actually appear in a vision and wash your back. He’ll also clean the vermin out of your coonskin cap. Good luck.
So, in summary: women – enjoy!
Men – it’s time to get your finger out of your ears. “American Gladiators” is on.
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design.
Send comments or column ideas
to wheel@cc.usu.edu.