COLUMN: Living up to the name of columnist
So, the funniest thing happened in class the other day. I was in my speech communications course and our professor had us fill out a piece of paper explaining something about ourselves — occupation, major, any club or religious affiliation or anything else of this nature. He then put our answers on an overhead with no names and had us all explain the type of person the explanation was. I had a lot of choices of what I could put to contribute here, including “Californian,” “Sports fan,” or “Starburst FaveReds Enthusiast,” but just to humor myself, I went ahead and wrote “Columnist.”
Our professor began running down each word on the list, listening to our views on each student’s label, usually with obvious or critical descriptions. When his trusty pointer grazed over my selection it was followed by a long silence, then this:
“They’re pissed off at the world.”
Yes, I’m dead serious. This is evidently how society views our people. There is no escaping it — no matter how much we try to be seen akin to Danny Tanner, we’ll always be downplayed and likened to Uncle Phil. It’s the nature of the beast, folks.
Now, I don’t consider myself too much of a disdainful dude — I see myself a lot more carefree than conniving, more grateful than grimacing, more, happy. Sorry, there are only so many anger-based alliterations.
But even then I figure it’s worth a shot. Let me see if I can conjure up a few things that really get my Gila monster — points off for swearing.
I hate alarm clocks. Hate them. Look, it’s bad enough I’m going to have a rude awakening one way or another because I stayed up till 4 a.m. watching old Kool-Aid commercials. Now I have to have you barking down my neck to get me off my mattress?
There are only two scenarios as to why alarm clocks exist: faulty results from trying to create a miniature scoreboard, or Gilbert Godfrey and Roseanne had a baby, and that baby had a baby with Alpha V from the “Power Rangers.” Perhaps it’s the voice that makes it so menacing. Note to self, get Enya to create a line of alarm clocks.
Why do baseball players chew so much gum at one time?! I’m not a fan of obnoxious chewing, and these guys make it all the worse when they attempt to gob an entire pack of Bubble Tape in their mouth. These guys play 162 games a year and can manage to slam an orb moving over a 100 mph with a wooden stick, and at the end of the day the body part that aches most is their jawbone.
The only thing I can think of as to why this comes to pass is maybe nail-biting is cause for ejection in baseball. Outside of that, guys, keep it to at least one stick per game. You may get paid millions, but you can at least conserve flavored tree sap.
Afternoon post-lunch naps, you make me groggy while making others refreshed. Why the hate?
I’m not in favor of settling any level of argument with rock-paper-scissors. Figuring out who we are going to have cater our N’Sync reunion party is high pressure enough. The last thing we need to do is settle it via spontaneous hand gestures. If we can’t settle the score through a two-third’s majority vote or Asking Jeeves, then it simply can’t be saved.
Why did Fox drop “Arrested Development,” in 2006? Dumb. OK, I have nothing else to say about this, I’m just excited they announced it’s coming back and doing a movie next year. If you don’t know why I am so elated about this, do yourself a favor and find a Netflix account. You’ll thank me later.
For the love of everything holy, when you put a shopping cart away at a grocery store, put the thing in the cart bin! I’m sick and tired of having to park in Reno, Nev., to buy Fruit by the Foot because you were too lazy to walk your cart 20 additional feet. If you have been guilty of this, you are a menacing embarrassment to society and are thus sentenced to exile. No exceptions.
Mac users who wear chucks, listen to Taylor Swift and still think “The Office” is funny, you know exactly why you’re on this list. And no, I don’t eat organic; I prefer my apples poisoned, thank you.
Finally, I rather dislike the Hot and Spicy McChicken. Too much mayo for not enough flavor. For shame.
There, I said it. And it felt good. Hopefully, I can get back to being the funny guy in office meetings with the weird ringtones. I liked it better that way.
And another thing — Why is everyone so angry all the time? It makes me furious.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.