COLUMN: Getting Stew to stay
It is very likely that last Saturday night you were at one of three places. You were either at the basketball game against Long Beach State, you were at the Jericho Road concert, or you were watching reruns on the travel channel about exotic Lithuania.
You might wonder where I was. Allow me to help you narrow down the possibilities. I wisely recorded the Lithuania program so I wouldn’t miss it, and for a good part of the night I joined the rest of my fellow spectators in yelling out “airball.”
Now, unless Jericho Mile has some song about not even touching rim on an ill-chosen shot, it should be obvious that I went to the basketball game. Ironic how, while looking at the sell-out crowd, I pitied the poor Jericho Road members for having committed such a scheduling error. The reason this is ironic is because my sources tell me (very, very secret sources) that the spectators at the packed Jericho Road concert might just have assumed the same pity for the basketball fans. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that demographics made those two scheduled giants compatible. By the way, if you’re assuming that I know what “demographics” means and that I’m really smart for using it in a sentence, then I’ll just go ahead and let you assume that.
Anyway, if for some reason, on Saturday night, you were held back by one of the other two events mentioned, then let me fill you in on what happened at the basketball game. We won. Barely. By barely, I mean barely being able to play the whole game through without the opposing team standing up and leaving out of sheer embarrassment alone. Yet, even such an impressive win was not the top sports news item of the last week. That news item came from an hour and a half south of us (or 45 minutes in a decent car and with a crazy enough driver), as the long-time coach of the very successful Ute basketball program announced he was quitting after this season is over due to health problems. Of course, if Rick Majerus is out, that puts our coach, Stew Morrill right in line with a few others to be the next coach.
This is hardly news since it was plastered all over Monday’s Statesman. Yet, while they did give some suggestions of how to remedy the potential problem (showing support and other such low-impact methods), I think there is a whole lot more that could be done. If no one else will present the obvious solutions, then I guess I’m going to have to be the guy to do it. The following is a list of ideas of how we can ensure that Stew Morrill sticks around at Utah State:
* Create a new holiday for Cache Valley, aptly named “Stew Morrill Day.” The celebration of this holiday would include a valleywide parade, a carnival, and truckloads of those little, plastic basketballs with pictures of Stew Morrill’s face. Incidentally, besides paying tribute to Stew and being an excuse to get out of class, it could also double as another legitimate day to become a True Aggie. I’m sure many of you are thinking this last reference proves I’m getting desperate for some female attention. Moving right along.
* Give Stew a limitless, all-you-can-eat pass to Logan’s Beto’s restaurant. I know that if I had one, I would never again set foot out of Cache Valley for the rest of my life.
* Take it upon ourselves to sue any and all news reporters who continue to spell Stew’s name, “Stu.” The settlement money would go toward paying for more of the Stew Morrill plastic basketballs.
* Tell the University of Utah that any negotiations with Stew have to be done in the presence of 50 or so hand-picked USU fans. These professional hecklers could plague the meeting with comments and cheers such as, “UN-der-PAY-ment!” clap, clap, clap clap clap or hold up signs saying, “Look what the U did to Majerus,” or “Mom, send money” (in the event that the negotiations are televised).
* Promise Stew that we will, once and for all, thoroughly sweep Logan clean of any last, remaining trace of fry sauce. If he doesn’t mind fry sauce, I’m still in favor of its elimination, but I suppose it can wait.
* If you read my last column about turning the Merrill Library into my own, personal apartment, then you would understand how gracious it would be for me to offer Stew a roommate application. I’m willing to go beyond that and cede him the whole Special Collections area plus a free pass to the planned go-kart track on the third floor, any time he would like.
While these are all, undoubtedly, good suggestions for keeping Stew in Cache Valley, probably the best would be to keep stupid columnists from beating the subject to death … whoops, too late. Anyway, no matter what happens, I would personally like to thank Stew for doing such an excellent job with our Aggie team over the years … and also be the first to deny having anything to do with cutting his phone lines or demolishing his mailbox once Utah tries to initiate talks.
Marty Reeder is a senior in history education. Any comments or heckling ideas can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.