COLUMN: College versions of Halloween
Tagbup!
Confused, much?
I can see why. “Tagbup” is my Halloween version to Christmas’ “humbug.” It comes into play because I have a very low affection for Halloween.
Our hallowed – see what I did there – end-of-October holiday has never been an absolute favorite of mine. I’ve never been one to enjoy dressing up, frightening movies, hangovers or anything and everything that would have the gall to inspire literature entitled “Frankenweenie.”
In my mind, there was only one saving grace to the eve of November, which was the orthodontic miracle that was Trick-or-Treating.
Trick-or-Treating is America’s finest homage to high-fructose corn syrup. It’s an all-nation festival of sweets, treats and feats of visual hilarity. It is the annual phenomenon where wonder meets splendor and children bear candy in their pillowcases and pumpkin-shaped receptacles. Mostly, in one way or another, in a world full of overzealous safety concerns and fad diets, it is a miracle.
Unfortunately for our not-so-gilded yet not-so-technological age, trick-or-treating has come and gone for us, leaving our hearts in a trail of millennial spectacles that left our childlike hearts when we were old enough to realize Santa wasn’t real, professional wrestling was staged, kids didn’t necessarily get all of the Trix due to practices of modern capitalism and, most tragically, that Stick Stickly was in all reality just a stick.
Or so we think.
Perhaps the real issue isn’t that trick-or-treating is something that we are too old for, it is simply that the current form of trick-or-treating is not for our age group. Simply, we just need to find a form of goodie distribution that fits our needs and demographics. Here are five suggestions for collegiate forms of Halloween door-to-door festivities that can keep the last good thing about this dark holiday alive.
-Trick-or-Taxes: Coming to college brings newfound responsibilities, and with the end of the year not so far ahead, nothing comes as a treat for young adults much like help with finances. Every door a costume-laden college student comes to will have a folded-up list of tax filing tips for the student, proving that if payments are made now, treats will most certainly come audit-free later.
-Pump-or-Treat: This one is simple. Come in costume; get a free gallon of gas. I might become governor if this one sticks.
-Trick-or-Tuition: The only issue with turning a candy-filled tradition with one that helps pay off school is that the cost can add up quick, that is why this suggestion has two options. First, each traveler receives a small cash voucher to go into their bank account. Second, a select group of students can win the right to go trick-or-tuitioning in the richest streets in the state and can trade in rare
and delicate candies for tender online. This is not only a mature twist, but is also fiscally responsible in that it contributes to the circular form of income.
The best reason to do this? It just may fulfill a strange dream Zack Morris may have had on “Saved by the Bell.”
-Hipst-er-Treating: Treats are all organic, sweetened with saguaro cactus nectar and each participant is followed by a modern-day bard wielding a rapid-playing mandolin (with the way the hipster age is moving, we will soon be calling these people “accountants”). If nothing else, the coordinators of this tradition will fight hard for trick-or-treat rights, defending the certain candies that get under-utilized. I can see the “Taffy 2012” signs in my head now.
-Trick-or-Treating: You know what? Why put an age on it? This is Halloween, for Zordon’s sake. Let’s have candy, and let’s have lots of it. If we are forced to do P90X and go on a juice fast the other 364 days of the year, then so be it. We can’t just ignore the fact that there are Tootsie Rolls that need eating and a small percentage of the world that can eat them. It’s more than a privilege, it’s our duty.
Whatever you do this Halloween, be safe, enjoy yourself and stay away from “Frankenweenie.” If you must watch a dog-themed movie to suit your fancy “Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco” will do just fine. Trust me.
– Steve Schwartzman is a senior in communication studies and linguistics. When he isn’t trying too hard to make people laugh he is usually watching sports, watching 90’s cartoons or experiencing all things Aggie Life. Got a good idea for Steve to rant about? Hit him up at steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu