COLUMN: Founding a frazzled city
One eerily quiet morning as I poured my Lucky Charms into a bowl, I found that instead of scrumptious, frosted shapes and crispy, colored marshmallows, a waterfall of brown, crunchy spheres (aka Cocoa Puffs) fell with a flourishing heap into my bright blue bowl. I did a double take at the leprechaun decorating my breakfast box and the resulting dog food-ish cereal in my dish. Something was not right with this picture.
I furrowed my eyebrows with strain as I tried to comprehend my seemingly incomprehensible situation. In this whimsical existence we call life, a person ought to be able to rely on certain unimpeachable facts, such as the tried and true notion that Lucky Charms boxes contain Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs boxes contain Cocoa Puffs and never the twain shall meet.
Yes, my dear hooligans, April Fools’ pranks are best performed in the morning, right when a person has freshly woken up from a night of soggy March 31 slumber. It is a bizarre feeling to be tricked. A definite pride crusher. An annoyance of the highest caliber. Unless you are the one doing the tricking – then it is marvelous. I have never been one that is too successful at bearing false witness, so I live vicariously, and appreciatively, through the misleadings of others. I will share the best.
1. I had a friend in high school who removed his prosthetic legs and put them in our science teacher’s closet. It produced one of the best screams I have ever heard in my life as she opened the door and was attacked by a pair of plastic lower appendages.
2. Last year my roommate called up the members of her string quartet and informed them that she had fractured her wrist and would not be able to perform with them at our larger than life chamber concert. Imagine the frazzle this caused, especially since they had been working on their piece all semester long, several hours a week. Frazzle city, my dear hooligans, frazzle city.
3. A rather bizarre fellow shared with me the bizarre story of how he picked a fake fist fight with a friend. Punches and mouths were flying out of control. And even though it was only an April Fools’ joke, it was only in jest, they still got in trouble with the high school authorities. I guess a fight is a fight, regardless of the harmless intentions that initiate it.
4. I heard a delightful tale that involved two families that traditionally duke it out on April 1. One family set up a bunch of those tacky, inflatable Christmas decorations into the other opposing family’s front yard. What an incredible prank. First of all, it would make people stop and wonder what month it was supposed to be, and second of all, it would look so gaudily hideous that every time a person passed the winter wonderland, she or he would not be able to contain a ridiculous, goofy smile from spreading widely on her or his face. I am a strong advocate for the addition of more goofy smiles into the world.
I know a dizzying amount of people that have birthdays on April 1. (Well, at least three.) What a disadvantaged way to be brought into the world. I mean, think about it. No one would believe your birth. How rude. People would horrendously assume that you were still cozying it up in the womb. I can see the mother of a Fools baby trying to spread the news. “Six pounds and …”
“Suuuuuure,” the person on the other end of the line would snarl cockily.
“No, really! She was born and she has such a darling mass of black hair …”
“Bah! How gullible do you think I am?” the stubborn person would speak into the receiver as the phone is hung up.
The most plausible tricks are the ones that you can get your cohorts to back you up on. My sister pulled off the whole false engagement trickery (this is pre-Facebook, mind you) with the help of her co-workers. This seems to be a popular prank in recent trends of fraudulence. Fake zirconium rings. Fake proposal stories and fake engagement photos. The jostling of tender hearts. Promise me, my dear hooligans, that you’ll never perform or fall for an April 1 engagement, as it can only last superficially and will always end in heartache and interminable sorrow.
What a treacherous holiday this is, full of deceit, chicanery and white lies. Cocoa Puffs instead of Lucky Charms. Salt instead of sugar. Butter instead of soap. Saran wrap instead of toilet. Black instead of white. Evil instead of good. The whole world goes topsy turvy. (Well, topsier turvier than normal.) I find it questionable that we find it necessary to dedicate an entire day of the year to scurvy underhandedness and hoaxing, but I am still willing to laugh at the susceptible suckers of April foolery. Bwa haha.
Melissa Condie is a junior majoring in music education. Comments can be sent to m.condie@aggiemail.usu.edu.