Column: Mixed Nuts
Every time I turn on the television or a good flick, I am amazed at some of the wonderful female specimens who enter the screen and entertain me for just a short time. But then it hit me, the question of all questions – what is this world coming to?
I suppose you are wondering just what I mean by that – let me explain. I have been shocked in recent years to see so many women going the way of a lesbian lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, if that is what they want to do, well then I guess it could feed some male fantasies, but what a waste in many situations.
Of course, the first two that come to mind are the ones who once were and now are not but could be again if the right woman came along and the husband was no longer a good choice – well, you see what I am saying.
The first one is Anne Heche. She wasn’t, then she was, now she isn’t. You see, this is all very confusing. Some say it is because men just don’t know how to treat women, but why would you come back if that was the real reason? Argh! I really can’t understand.
She was doing just fine until she directed a movie piece called If These Walls could Talk 2. It was then she met her soon-to-be lesbian lover Ellen DeGeneres. The two hooked up and became a very public item. But it just never seemed right. Every time you would see her in film, like Six Days Seven Nights, you would wonder. How could a woman who supposedly liked women really make a relationship with Harrison Ford look like that if she didn’t have a thing for men? I say it was all a mistake, and so did she.
Less than a year after her split with DeGeneres, she was engaged to Coleman Laffoon, a camera man. They were married two weeks ago and have announced they will soon be the proud parents of a child. I am so lost.
But Anne is not the only one on the list of switching sides – twice. Singer Sineade O’Connor is also on this list. After denouncing her faith and the Pope, she proudly declared she was a lesbian. But now she has a husband. Somehow the two just don’t add up. I guess the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Madonna is also a front runner on the list of on-again off-again lesbians. Her music, videos and book all include references to the lifestyle choice. She had public displays, private displays that later become public – why? Why? Why? Like I wanted to know about it. It would be hard to count the number of women the material girl has kissed. But she too is now married with two children.
Then there is the long list of women who have played roles that have lesbian flares.
Roseanne Barr started the trend when she kissed Mariel Hemingway on her TV show. Not that this one was a great loss to the cause of men, but it still started a trend that has only gained momentum.
Going back to Ellen DeGeneres, one has to think about her film with talking walls. It was Sharon Stone who kissed her in that one. Sharon Stone, the very same gal who gave every man a thrill in the ice-pick flick. The very woman who has found her place in every red-blooded American man’s heart with her long blond hair, long legs and – well, that’s not the point.
Drew Barrymore followed suit kissing Roseanne’s on-screen daughter Sara Gilbert in the film Poison Ivy. This seemed such a long way from the young girl who once loved an alien. I guess some people never learn about the affairs of the heart. In Drew’s case that has continued with her current husband Tom Green. He really is in that whole “others” category himself.
Then came the biggest blow of them all. A double header on last May 17’s episode of Friends. It was the episode called “The One With Rachel’s Big Kiss.”
Why God? Why?
Why would Jennifer Aniston, the goddess of TV land go that far? My heart just sank when I saw it. But what made it worse was the fact it was Winona Ryder that was on the receiving end of that kiss. AHHHHHHH! I was beside myself. I am sure Jennifer’s husband was, too. If he wasn’t, he should have been.
But through it all, I hold to the hope that the rest of my icons will stand straight and strong. But know this, if Janet Jackson ever changes teams, I am going to become a monk – not that it would be much different from now.
Justin Berry is the Features
Editor of The Utah Statesman.
Comments can be sent to
features@statesman.usu.edu